"He Who Loses Himself for my Sake"

A couple days ago, I wrote about how we create realities with our subconscious beliefs. This has been on my mind a lot, so as I go throughout my life I am able to observe examples around me where this could be true, and where it seems like it's not. I think the subject requires so much more discussion than I gave it, and more examination than I am able to give it. I would be interested to hear more personal experiences, which I could google of course, but I have some other more pressing topics that would be of more importance for me to research, so now it's just something I am pondering.

I have two caveats to what I wrote.

(1)
There are obviously exceptions. I wonder if this isn't the Tender Mercies of our loving Heavenly Father. For example, given my pattern of attracting experiences/relationships that validate my belief that I am unloved, Rychen is certainly not the husband I "should have" attracted into my life. Up to the point of dating him, I did in fact date some real losers. I was legitimately attracted to men who treated me like garbage. I had two relationships in particular that are just mind-blowing, the way I let myself get manipulated and abused. I was living patterns that would have walked me right into a marriage of domestic abuse.

When I met Rychen, I thought he was a big dork. I wasn't attracted at all to him. He was a boring introvert and he didn't meet hardly any of the criteria on my "list" of what I wanted in a man. (More on that fallacy in my next post!) But he was in my apartment basically ALL. THE. TIME., so conversations ensued. We were both psychology majors and tennis players so we studied and hit some balls. It was around this time that the Lord worked on my heart, showing me what I was actually worth, and the potential I had. Showing me what I could have in my life, if I opened my heart and allowed it. But no, it wasn't a conscious process. I still didn't know the man Rychen really was, and the marriage I would be incredibly lucky enough to step into. (Again, more coming on that in my next post!) There are nuances in our hearts and minds in our relationship with God, and our personal growth, that are so subtle we usually don't even catch them, until one day we find ourselves asking "Why did I do that good thing? That is not something I usually would do...."

Anyhow, the fact that I married into a relationship that is the exact opposite of the one I should have had, tells me it wasn't just chance. It was a deliberate act of God. I will never deny that Rychen is God's gift of love and mercy to me. I am an insecure person who fears criticism but tends to walk into it at every turn (or imagine it--there's that belief system operating again). But Rychen never criticizes me. And I'm not blind to the billions of opportunities he has had, almost on an hourly basis. He never mistreats me in any way, shape, or form. He has been unselfish, compassionate, accepting of my faults and countless quirks. Rychen's love for me is so unconditional, it's impossible for me to comprehend. I don't deserve it, and unfortunately I'm not currently able to reciprocate it. I'm not sure he even knows where he got it from or how he is able to do it. But it's a shining light in my life, a light that gives me a glimpse of God himself.

(2)
I do believe that our beliefs can cause physical illness, but I am not sure if it's what we're "supposed to do" to try to change our beliefs. I'm not sure if that is practical, feasible, realistic or effective at all. This is the part where I need to hear some personal experiences. Yes, I had certain beliefs about childbirth my first time around and I did the work to delete those beliefs and re-program my brain with new beliefs, which was very effective and produced amazing results. But that situation is, in a way, external, or at the very least, superficial. It was solely a worldview, an impression left on my mind from my childhood, but was not ingrained in my heart or soul at all. It wasn't an emotional thing for me. Those are much, much more difficult to get rid of. And frankly, who are we to do that sort of thing? The law of physics says matter can only move from a higher/more organized state, to a lower and less organized state. The fact that any change for the better, or healing, or personal growth is possible at all, is a flat out miracle. Anytime we move from negativity to positive personal growth, we are defying the laws of physics. It is God's work, not ours, although he won't do it against our will. We need to be open to it.

There are plenty of New Age techniques to release false beliefs and negative energy patterns, and I've tried them. I'm not sure what my opinion is. I enjoy visualizing because it gives me a concrete picture of actually destroying something intangible, or handing it to Jesus and letting myself be filled with his light. But as far as affirmations and tapping and all that jazz, I can't say I can give a glowing testimonial. I still do some energy work because it helps mitigate acute stress, but as for the healing of my fallen soul, I have turned my focus more directly to God: to my covenants, my callings, my family, and my study of doctrine. And over time, with my eyes fixated not on the process of healing, but on the Healer himself, changes have indeed taken place. Subtle changes in my heart that I can only see by looking back. Changes in myself that came about not because I worked and worked and worked to fix myself, but because I have learned to let it be...and get busy going about the Lord's work.

"He who seeks to save his life will lose it; but he who loses himself for my sake shall find it." (Matt 16:25)

This scripture is hugely profound. And I am still pondering and seeking to apply it--because obviously I still think about myself a lot. I am not yet a master. But this is something I can testify of: That we can NOT fix ourselves. No learned technique of man, no technology, no invention by the arm of the flesh is going to make us a better person or free us from this mortal existence. And the more we focus on the problem, the bigger it's going to get.

But if we instead let our problems sit, but go about the Lord's work, joy will come into our hearts. And our hearts will be changed. If you submit to what the Lord asks of you, you will find yourself serving people you would have rather avoided, praying for people you would have rather held resentments against, giving to others tirelessly when you really wanted to have a fit of your own, and actually praising God with gratitude in the moments you ought to be deeply remorseful. God has a funny was of working quiet miracles within us, miracles we don't always recognize at first. I know healing is possible, for I have been healed. And yet I can't quite put my finger on what I personally did to make that happen. :)