To Experience Life in it's Fullest Depths

I didn't know Robin Williams was struggling with depression, but now that I do, it makes perfect sense. If you look through his characters, you can see it. His depression gave him a certain depth. A perspective into his characters, and into life, that only a person with deep feelings can give. Fitting  for him, he played characters who were passionate. Characters who wanted to leave a mark. People who had something to say, and needed to be heard. Who would stand out from the crowd in their desire to find answers, find meaning, and not settle for anything less than this truth. And then sometimes clowning around is just the way to give yourself some comic relief from the rigors of such honesty. His films are in large part a balance between these two opposing, yet complimentary, forces.

He did play a lot of deep, meaningful characters. But even in movies meant to be comedies, you can see this pattern. Who is Mrs. Doubtfire, but a man so pained at having his family torn apart that is willing to succumb to the depths of humiliation to experience daily life with his children. Who is Genie, but a person with conflicting emotions about serving others endlessly while always denying his own needs, and wondering when his turn will come?

Some might find it ironic that a comedian can have depression. But you cannot separate joy and misery. You cannot separate two sides to the same coin, the coin of having deeply entrenched feelings and a desire to fully experience all the emotional nuances of this creation. When you wear gloves, you cannot truly feel what you are touching. When you take the gloves off, you will indeed feel. Both the exquisite sleekness of a Goose's down, and the painful burns of hot flames. It's an all or nothing agreement. Either you wear gloves, or you experience life in it's fullest, in every form.

My sister-in-law is a very talented song writer. She has said "I write sad songs. I don't know why...but I do." I have always admired her for being open and public with her profound and meaningful lyrics. My favorite songs have always been the most sad ones. Why? Because only art can fully portray the heart of a person, the heart that is usually hidden in social interactions. Only art can release the true expression, a language that cannot be captured in words, discussions, analyses (and yet I personally tend to be a word person with my emotions).

I too, write sad songs and sad poems. I too, experience life in a full, emotional way. I too, perhaps feel worthless, meaningless, and completely numbed when I am neither anxious, angry, joyous or ecstatic. Simply because that is how I experience the world. That is the language my heart speaks. Some may dismiss "negative" literature or music for being a downer, but I truly enjoy the naked, raw truth that these pieces demonstrate. They are a tool, a vehicle for me to then go on and explore my own depths. I look for meaning in life and I openly share my insights and desires with others, such as on this blog. Sometimes I give myself a hard time for being too open. Or I feel embarassed when I have openly explored feelings that probably needed more time to process and refine before releasing for public display. There are conflicting voices in my head and my insecurities overwhelm me. But what keeps me going is knowing I am not the only one. I am so grateful for models in the public eye who are not afraid to stand strong in their opinions and their vulnerabilities, and bare their souls. Robin Williams will be remembered as one such person.

Why did Robin Williams' suicide stir the nation? Because he left his mark, in the most intimately genuine act this uncertain mortal body has to offer, aside from procreation. And now we are left to contemplate all the profound questions and messages from his life's work. Questions we would rather avoid. Emotions we would rather not experience. But if we do not experience the profound and genuine emotion, we are just as dead ourselves.