Enduring Trials Until Happiness Arrives

April 9, 2019

In 2 Nephi 5:27, Nephi reports that he and his people are now living after the manner of happiness.

At this point, the Nephites have finally been separated from the Lamanites.

The ceaseless attempts to take Nephi's life have stopped.

They have found a permanent dwelling place and have begun to build a city.

There is an abundance of gold and silver.

And Nephi is the King (he said he didn't want to be, but he is still the leader regardless).

....Yeah that sounds pretty happy to me!😆😆 I have no problem with this whatsoever. 

The fact is, Nephi wrote about his happy lifestyle AFTER his problems were gone. Nowhere in the Book of Mormon does it say he was happy during all the crap.

The truth is, something life STINKS. And we are anything but happy. 

I recently spent a 3-4 weeks mostly in bed crying, absolutely drained, unable to eat, exhausted and devoid of life, recovering from the most traumatic and heartbreaking experience I've yet to endure. 

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes "the manner of happiness" seems hopelessly out of reach. 

I know some of you feel this way, too.

Life has a way of sneaking up when we think everything is mostly okay, and throwing us on the floor, and stomping on us with glee.

Guess who else felt this way? 

Nephi.

For Nephi, the happiness came after the refining period. Or perhaps we can say, the happiness came only BECAUSE he had previously undergone a whole lotta crap in his life. 

(Because I know some Kings who have plenty of gold and silver, and they aren't happy. It's not the riches that make you happy. It's the relief and the comfort only in comparison to what you have previously known. It's the realization of promised blessings for which he valiantly endured to see.)

If you could have had a conversation with Nephi when he was tied up on a ship for three days, starved and beaten, I don't think he would have said "Hey let's look on the bright side of this! I'm just gonna choose to be happy anyway!" No. The scriptures never say that.

If you could have visited Nephi when he was wearing the bloody garments of an evil man whom he has just been commanded to kill against his will, and then the only remaining logical thing to do was to kidnap the witness, I don't think he would have said "This is peachy! I'm so happy!" (No, I think he felt just as yucky on the inside as he felt on the outside in those bloody clothes! Sometimes doing the work of God is yucky—but that's a post for another day.)

No, I don't think Nephi was happy.

You know what I think? I think he was TIRED. I think he lay awake at night worrying about his wounds and would they heal? Or worrying about his next meal, or how much longer he could remain safe, or how to comfort his wife, or whether the hearts of his brethren would ever be permanently softened, or when the promised blessings would EVER COME. 

Rinse and repeat, for EIGHT YEARS.

Guys, Nephi wasn't a Pollyanna. 

But Nephi was a hero. 

Nephi was an excellent example of what to do in times of trial. How did he react to these hardships? No, he didn't say "Life is peachy! Let's pretend everything is okay!" But he DID...

•Continue to praise the Lord

•Continue to trust the Lord

•Continue to obey

•Seek revelation 

•Avoid exaggeration and dwelling on the negative 

•Forgive (frankly)

•Serve when everyone else moaned

•Journal

•Study the scriptures

•Give himself pep talks

That last one might be my favorite 😁😁

(Bonus points to anyone who can find the references for each of those!)

In this recent stint of depression I went through, I did NOT have joy. In fact, I listened to Pres Nelson's talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival" and it didn't resonate with me ONE BIT. 

No, I didn't have joy.

...But I had MEANING.

I didn't have joy, but I prayed every day. I talked to God continually about what I was going through. I cried out to Him for comfort, for lessons and growth. I sought revelation and was taught sacred things. I journaled. I ugly cried as I ugly journaled (scribbling out raw emotions and brain dumping every single negative thing that comes to mind!)

...And I felt the LOVE of my Heavenly Father like never before. 

As I battled every accusation and negative comment that others said about me (real and imaginary), my Heavenly Father expressed His unending love and approval. I knew His opinion of me, and I had to let go of everyone else's (still working on that...maybe a lifetime pursuit).

As I battled difficult truths from my entire life story, He reassured me "There is a reason for this."

As I battled my humiliation and loneliness, He told me "You are never alone. And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

"You are a chosen daughter."

"I'm with you all the way."

"These things will be made right. You will receive the things you've longed for."

My suffering became very sacred. Why? Because my relationship with God is sacred. My life lessons are sacred. Growth is sacred. Communion is sacred. 

And there's no better way to achieve these things than to go through a bunch of crap!

I believe that Nephi knows about this. I believe that Nephi was prepared in the furnace of affliction so that he could lead his people. He was a King in the making, and boy, the growing pains of a King can be royally painful. 

And so I leave you with just one question: 

Do you intend to be royalty one day?

—————-

2 Nephi 8

11 Therefore, the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy and holiness shall be upon their heads; and they shall obtain gladness and joy; sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

12 I am he; yea, I am he that comforteth you

--

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Be Intentional in Associations

I completely agree that it makes such a profound difference to surround ourselves with positive influence. How do we balance this concept with reaching out to those who are struggling, or not on a high vibe? I strongly feel that "inspired" or "high vibe" people should not abandon them. For me, I need to firstly be aware of who is who, and then be aware of the ratio, and then be aware of who are the necessary sheep for me to be involved with and which ones I can trust to someone else's care (whom they will find on their own). 

Also, separate from ministering, sometimes we attract a certain social circle. We need to be aware of our limiting beliefs and why we might be doing so. Several years back, I found myself surrounded by idle, "drama queen" or otherwise low-vibe type of friends. After a lot of drama with a string of these friends in a row, I asked myself "Why am I friends with these people? Why am I attracting them?" and received the answer that I needed to work on my self esteem and gain the spiritual knowledge that I was worthy of good company. So I prayed for this. There was one woman in particular that I desired a friendship with—I even referred to her as "out of my league." But I started making some efforts and before long we had a great friendship and I was even able to mentor her in business matters (imagine that! I had something to offer to someone who was "out of my league"!) and from then on, all the low-vibe people fell out of my life and I continued to attract more wonderful, inspiring friends. It completely changed me!

Some of us who are overly compassionate just need to be aware of our own tendencies to surround ourself with people we feel sorry for, in the name of "helping" them, but all we are doing is feeding our own limiting belief of our low self worth. Contrary to our belief, that really isn't a high vibration to offer them. Pity is not a service for anybody. Form friendships with people you truly respect and admire. Stretch yourself and make some contacts with people who are out of your league, and pray to know you're worthy to be their associate. 

...and then continue to serve and love those who are less fortunate ❤️❤️ ... in ways that actually benefit the both of you. Find ways to respect and admire them sincerely—after all, we all have Divinity within us. But draw the boundary before it begins to sap you! You will know by how you feel after you've been around them. A true service—true compassion—will lift you and bring you closer to the Spirit. So even if the person themself isn't inspiring, the Spirit of true, appropriate service will be!

--

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Creation and Rest

My son had a sick day yesterday and spent it lying on the couch. Today he told me he felt like he wasted a day because he didn't do anything. I responded "Rest is not a waste! Your body accomplished so much today!"

Secondly, I had a conversation with someone recently about how it's normal and good to experience some downtime after a surge of creation. This may be physical creation such as childbirth or any mental, social, emotional exertion. It's okay for us to withdraw from a project or a relationship and take a break. In 2018 I was super busy with a couple highly involved projects. And with both projects, I felt it come to an end, and it was OK to let it go.

After God created the Earth, He rested. Even God needs downtime! Rest and recuperation is a Divine concept.

And then a third witness came to me today, a friend sharing on Facebook about   stillness. How important it is to stop our busy energy and just be still! 

Rest can be taken one day out of the week, or a weeklong vacation out of the year, or a morning meditation each day. For me, with children, my best bet is smaller, more frequent blocks. Like 5 minutes every hour, just turn the noise off and breathe. But I think we need to work all of these variations in. 

Another thing to ponder is that we have multiple components to ourself and they all need rest in different ways or different seasons. Sometimes we might even build one aspect of our lives in order to rest from a different one—such as working out to get a break from studying, or the opposite, reading a book to get a break from physical activity! Sometimes we need to take a break from our internal world and go be with people; other times we need to push pause on our social life and spend some time alone.

Also, being reminded of this concept allowed me to have grace for myself since I haven't been as "productive" as I like to be in a while. I'm like my little boy saying "Ugh all I did this last year was lay around growing a baby and now caring for her. I feel like I got nothing done!" And I need to remember, you got plenty done and you are doing something amazing. 

A time and a season for everything. Make sure to get those seasons of rest and stillness, whatever that might look like for you.

--

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After the Manner of Happiness (part 2)

Yesterday I wrote about "living after the manner of happiness," and making the best out of circumstances you cannot control. However, I admitted to taking the verse out of context. So today I have a different message—a different interpretation—that may be more accurate.

But this is not the rosy interpretation. You've been warned.

In 2 Nephi 5:27, Nephi reports that he and his people are now living after the manner of happiness.

At this point, the Nephites have finally been separated from the Lamanites.

The ceaseless attempts to take Nephi's life have stopped.

They have found a permanent dwelling place and have begun to build a city.

There is an abundance of gold and silver.

And Nephi is the King (he said he didn't want to be, but he is still the leader regardless).

....Yeah that sounds pretty happy to me!😆😆 I have no problem with this whatsoever. 

The fact is, Nephi wrote about his happy lifestyle AFTER his problems were gone. Nowhere in the Book of Mormon does it say he was happy during all the crap.

The truth is, something life STINKS. And we are anything but happy. 

I recently spent a 3-4 weeks mostly in bed crying, absolutely drained, unable to eat, exhausted and devoid of life, recovering from the most traumatic and heartbreaking experience I've yet to endure. 

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes "the manner of happiness" seems hopelessly out of reach. 

I know some of you feel this way, too.

Life has a way of sneaking up when we think everything is mostly okay, and throwing us on the floor, and stomping on us with glee.

Guess who else felt this way? 

Nephi.

For Nephi, the happiness came after the refining period. Or perhaps we can say, the happiness came only BECAUSE he had previously undergone a whole lotta crap in his life. 

(Because I know some Kings who have plenty of gold and silver, and they aren't happy. It's not the riches that make you happy. It's the relief and the comfort only in comparison to what you have previously known. It's the realization of promised blessings for which he valiantly endured to see.)

If you could have had a conversation with Nephi when he was tied up on a ship for three days, starved and beaten, I don't think he would have said "Hey let's look on the bright side of this! I'm just gonna choose to be happy anyway!" No. The scriptures never say that.

If you could have visited Nephi when he was wearing the bloody garments of an evil man whom he has just been commanded to kill against his will, and then the only remaining logical thing to do was to kidnap the witness, I don't think he would have said "This is peachy! I'm so happy!" (No, I think he felt just as yucky on the inside as he felt on the outside in those bloody clothes! Sometimes doing the work of God is yucky—but that's a post for another day.)

No, I don't think Nephi was happy.

You know what I think? I think he was TIRED. I think he lay awake at night worrying about his wounds and would they heal? Or worrying about his next meal, or how much longer he could remain safe, or how to comfort his wife, or whether the hearts of his brethren would ever be permanently softened, or when the promised blessings would EVER COME. 

Rinse and repeat, for EIGHT YEARS.

Guys, Nephi wasn't a Pollyanna. 

But Nephi was a hero. 

Nephi was an excellent example of what to do in times of trial. How did he react to these hardships? No, he didn't say "Life is peachy! Let's pretend everything is okay!" But he DID...

•Continue to praise the Lord

•Continue to trust the Lord

•Continue to obey

•Seek revelation 

•Avoid exaggeration and dwelling on the negative 

•Forgive (frankly)

•Serve when everyone else moaned

•Journal

•Study the scriptures

•Give himself pep talks

That last one might be my favorite 😁😁

(Bonus points to anyone who can find the references for each of those!)

In this recent stint of depression I went through, I did NOT have joy. In fact, I listened to Pres Nelson's talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival" and it didn't resonate with me ONE BIT. 

No, I didn't have joy...But I had MEANING.

But I prayed every day. I talked to God continually about what I was going through. I cried out to Him for comfort, for lessons and growth. I sought revelation and was taught sacred things. I journaled. I ugly cried as I ugly journaled (scribbling out raw emotions and brain dumping every single negative thing that comes to mind!)

...And I felt the LOVE of my Heavenly Father like never before. 

As I battled every accusation and negative comment that others said about me (real and imaginary), my Heavenly Father expressed His unending love and approval. I knew His opinion of me, and I had to let go of everyone else's (still working on that...maybe a lifetime pursuit).

As I battled difficult truths from my entire life story, He reassured me "There is a reason for this."

As I battled my humiliation and loneliness, He told me "You are never alone. And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

"You are a chosen daughter."

"I'm with you all the way."

"These things will be made right. You will receive the things you've longed for."

My suffering became very sacred. Why? Because my relationship with God is sacred. My life lessons are sacred. Growth is sacred. Communion is sacred. 

And there's no better way to achieve these things than to go through a bunch of crap!

I believe that Nephi knows about this. I believe that Nephi was prepared in the furnace of affliction so that he could lead his people. He was a King in the making, and boy, the growing pains of a King can be royally painful. 

And so I leave you with just one question: 

Do you intend to be royalty one day?

--

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After the Manner of Happiness (part 1)

This morning when my "plans" were (not unusually) interrupted by kids with sudden, bright ideas, I found myself reflecting on "living after the manner of happiness" (2 Nephi 5:27). 

I've always found that verse fairly vague—any meaning you derive from that is your own interpretation .... So here's mine.

*For me,* it sounds like a mental lifestyle. It sounds like making small choices within the small confines of what I can control. For me, I'm happiest when I don't have much of a calendar and I'm able to fly by the seat of my pants. 

Or should I say, my kids pants?

You never know what energetic, brilliant, creative kids (who are home with you all day!) are going to throw at you. You just can't predict ANYTHING. I can't predict when I'll get a chance to shower, or when I can respond to a text, or when I'll have a quiet window to do some personal study. I can't predict when the toddler will allow us to do a read aloud. I can't predict when my older kids might suddenly decide to follow instructions previously given multiple times. I can't predict my own moods or energy levels, which flunctuate far more often than I'd like to admit. And to top it off, I have no idea when my husband will be home (and checked in with us).

This is not all complaint. To some extent this delights me. I am NOT one for schedules and boring, mundane days on end. I enjoy spontaneity and making a supportive place for my kids' (or MY—let's be honest) big ideas (which sometimes need to happen TODAY!)  

Today the big ideas were: a mother-daughter jog in the park; making homemade bread and selling it to the neighbors; and memorizing 2 monologues by this afternoon, to prove that the double load can be handled. Plus whatever the three year old comes up with on a moments notice, whether it be doing the dishes, or inviting the chickens into the house, trying on a dozen outfits, or bathing a pet rabbit (there is no such thing as a tidy activity for this girl). Somewhere in there I hope to see some showers and chores but with this crowd, you never know. Maybe after 15 reminders.

I have chosen to unschool 4 children who all have some sort of mental/emotional challenge. That makes for a very busy, crazy life! Structure is not a forte in our house, but creativity is. A clean house is very rare, but excitement and ideas abound daily! Emotions in our family are rarely even keel, but we pick up the pieces and learn from each other.

For someone like me, living after the manner of happiness means controlling my stress level, remaining flexible, and minimizing my calendar (as well as expectations) so that there can be a POSSIBILITY of joy *within these circumstances.*

Living after the manner of happiness is the difference between being stressed, frustrated, and resentful, or being excited, goofy and thrilled—in this exact scenario either way!

To some degree, Nephi and his family had to learn to roll with the punches. Living in the wilderness (and having his life continually threatened)*, they could not afford to have high expectations for much of anything. But they needed to find joy in the journey regardless. They needed to focus on what they COULD control, to make room for the tiresome journey to be seen as an adventure, or as an investment for wonderful times ahead, or what have you!

Life is full of inconveniences, disappointments and frustrations. How can we work within those given confines, within our current circumstances, to make it a more positive and joyful experience?

____________________________________

*I'm not being exact with the timing and placement of the "manner of happiness" verse, but I'm making a point so give me some grace 

--

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He that is greatest among you

Scriptures can sometimes be ambiguous and lead way to confusion, misinterpretation, and ultimately a weakening of faith. In Sunday school today we discussed the fall of Adam and Eve, and I was particularly struck with this "curse" (actually a blessing) that was given to Eve: "He shall rule over thee" (Gen 3:16)

Adam is to rule over Eve, in Righteousness. She is to look to Him as He looks to the Father.

The world has gone is a tailspin with misunderstanding over what it means for a man to "rule" over a woman. Admittedly, to "rule" is a bit of a trigger word for many of us, but that is because we associate it with examples of unrighteousness ruling. Adam was (and all husbands and ecclesiastical leaders are) commanded to rule in righteousness. 

To understand what is meant to rule, we need to think no further than the Great Ruler is the Universe himself. Is He a dictator? Does he rule with an iron fist? No, rather He is kind, patient, gentle and loving. But I would go even further and say proper Righteous ruling is more than a nice demeanor. 

Matthew 23:11 says "He that is greatest among you shall be your servant."

Ruling is about serving!!!!

The Lord Jesus Christ says himself, "Behold this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the eternal life and immortality of man." His reign as ruler is not measured in conquest or domination; it is 100% measured in serving us, lifting us up, and giving us life and joy. 

This is exactly what the Priesthood itself is. Like Ammon, who technically had Priesthood stewardship over King Lamoni, said to him, "I will be thy servant" (Alma 17:25) and spent his days in Lamoni's fields without pay. 

Likewise, all Priesthood holders from the deacon to the living prophet are servants, and do not receive any pay or glory for their leadership. The men who hold the priesthood lead by essentially making themselves subservient to the women and others they preside over, often sacrificing many hours a week in servitude.

King Benjamin is another great example of righteous ruling. In Mosiah 2:10-16 he explains,

"I have not commanded you to come up hither that ye should fear me, or that ye should think that I of myself am more than a mortal man. But I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen...that I should be a ruler and a king over this people; and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me.

"I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you...and even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands that I might serve you, and that ye should not be laden with taxes, and that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne--and of all these things which I have spoken, ye yourselves are witnesses this day.

"Yet, my brethren, I have not done these things that I might boast, neither do I tell these things that thereby I might accuse you; but I tell you these things that ye may know that I can answer a clear conscience before God this day. Behold, I say unto you that because I said unto you that I had spent my days in your service, I do not desire to boast, for I have only been in the service of God."

From these examples you can plainly see that ruling in righteousness means serving. And what woman wouldn't want a man humbly serving her, looking out for her best interest, working for her gain, providing her temporal needs, supporting her emotionally and leading her spiritually? God says "my house is a house of order," and stewardship is clearly the proper order of righteousness. 

I hope this helps you see that being "ruled over" is not something to be feared or fought against. To desire otherwise would be to desire anarchy, and essentially, to have no God. For God is ruling over us, which is 100% a blessing and solid support to our eternal welfare. Anything following that model is likewise a blessing. 

I am so thankful for my husband, who is my servant, who is humble, gentle and very generous. His service lifts me up and enables me to become something beyond my own abilities—the mark of a righteous ruler, without fail.

In conclusion I would like to point out that when scriptures are ambiguous and we don't quite grasp how the words can be a good thing, we have the opportunity to make a choice: we can either follow the world's interpretation which usually stirs us up to anger and contention, or we can seek further light and knowledge and ask Heavenly Father what it truly means. Confusion is not a fruit of the spirit. I know that when we are meek and teachable, when our hearts are softened, we can experience peace with anything in the gospel that is difficult to understand. Peace and reassurance is the fruit of the spirit; I have felt this in my own life, and I know that the Lord wants us to gain knowledge and have this peace, an increase of joy, and a strengthened testimony.

I chose this picture because it shows the King and his Crown of abasement. He is humble and never self seeking. He is a true King, a true Ruler and Servant.

--

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Ruling in Righteousness

Scriptures can sometimes be ambiguous and lead way to confusion, misinterpretation, and ultimately a weakening of faith. In Sunday school today we discussed the fall of Adam and Eve, and I was particularly struck with this "curse" (actually a blessing) that was given to Eve: "He shall rule over thee" (Gen 3:16)

Adam is to rule over Eve, in Righteousness. She is to look to Him and He looks to the Father.

The world has gone is a tailspin with misunderstanding over what it means for a man to "rule" over a woman. Admittedly, to "rule" is a bit of a trigger word for many of us, but that is because we associate it with examples of unrighteousness ruling. Adam was (and all husbands and civil or ecclesiastical leaders are) commanded to rule in righteousness. 

To understand what is meant to rule, we need to think no further than the Great Ruler is the Universe himself. Is He a dictator? Does he rule with an iron fist? No, rather He is kind, patient, gentle and loving. But I would go even further and say proper Righteous ruling is more than a nice demeanor. 

Matthew 23:11 says "He that is greatest among you shall be your servant."

Ruling is about serving!!!!

The Lord Jesus Christ says himself, "Behold this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the eternal life and immortality of man." His reign as ruler is not measured in conquest or domination; it is 100% measured in serving us, lifting us up, and giving us life and joy. 

This is exactly what the Priesthood itself is. Like Ammon, who technically had Priesthood stewardship over King Lamoni, said to him, "I will be thy servant" (Alma 17:25) and spent his days in Lamoni's fields without pay. 

Likewise, all Priesthood holders from the deacon to the living prophet are servants, and do not receive any pay or glory for their leadership. The men who hold the priesthood lead by essentially making themselves subservient to the women and others they preside over, often sacrificing many hours a week in servitude.

King Benjamin is another great example of righteous ruling. In Mosiah 2:10-16 he explains,

"I have not commanded you to come up hither that ye should fear me, or that ye should think that I of myself am more than a mortal man. But I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen...that I should be a ruler and a king over this people; and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me.

"I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you...and even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands that I might serve you, and that ye should not be laden with taxes, and that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne--and of all these things which I have spoken, ye yourselves are witnesses this day.

"Yet, my brethren, I have not done these things that I might boast, neither do I tell these things that thereby I might accuse you; but I tell you these things that ye may know that I can answer a clear conscience before God this day. Behold, I say unto you that because I said unto you that I had spent my days in your service, I do not desire to boast, for I have only been in the service of God."

From these examples you can plainly see that ruling in righteousness means serving. And what woman wouldn't want a man humbly serving her, looking out for her best interest, working for her gain, providing her temporal needs, supporting her emotionally and leading her spiritually? God says "my house is a house of order," and stewardship is clearly the proper order of righteousness. 

I hope this helps you see that being "ruled over" is not something to be feared or fought against. To desire otherwise would be to desire anarchy, and essentially, to have no God. For God is ruling over us, which is 100% a blessing and solid support to our eternal welfare. Anything following that model is likewise a blessing. 

I am so thankful for my husband, who is my servant, who is humble, gentle and very generous. His service lifts me up and enables me to become something beyond my own abilities—the mark of a righteous ruler, without fail.

In conclusion I would like to point out that when scriptures are ambiguous and we don't quite grasp how the words can be a good thing, we have the opportunity to make a choice: we can either follow the world's interpretation which usually stirs us up to anger and contention, or we can seek further light and knowledge and ask Heavenly Father what it truly means. Confusion is not a fruit of the spirit. I know that when we are meek and teachable, when our hearts are softened, we can experience peace with anything in the gospel that is difficult to understand. Peace and reassurance is the fruit of the spirit; I have felt this in my own life, and I know that the Lord wants us to gain knowledge and have this peace, an increase of joy, and a strengthened testimony.

--

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Introducing Eden Hazel Jones

Eden was born Jan 30. Here's the story!

Friday I had a moving conversation with someone and felt that baby was ready but might need a jump start. I had mixed feelings as I usually over-analyze everything so I went to pray. I asked the Lord if I should take the homeopathic pills I had been considering all week--if so I need a sign. Could you give me a contraction now? Right away I felt a BH tightening. So I took the pills and noted the time--I would need to take a dose every 20 mins for a couple hours. I also looked up some YouTube videos and while watching a movie held various accupressure points. By the end of the movie I recognized some true (not BH) contractions. I lay down to go to bed and felt a series of them. I fell asleep open to the possibility of waking up to labor. But I guess I needed to keep up with the pills maybe. I slept pretty well, feeling some throughout the night. But by 6am I felt confident sending Rychen out on his 3-hour marathon training run.

I had this prodromal labor all morning. Really irregular contractions. I didn't take the pills again yet because I wanted to make a spicy curry lunch which might antidote them. We were busy with a few things anyway. So early afternoon I took homeopathics again. It gave me a push but there was still no regular patten. I found it significant that between 3:30-4:30 while I lay on the couch I timed consistent contractions about 5 min apart. But as soon as I got up and moved they went back to being off/on, irregular both in frequency duration and intensity.

Rychen and I lay down to watch a TV show and they really fizzled out it seemed. Plus I was getting sleepy and not in the mood for games!

Ate dinner, discussed false labor with my mom who had 8 kids and had her fair share. I thought that's what it was and felt pretty down. Just wanted to go to bed and try tomorrow. I had to give Elisabeth a shower first and I had a few successive contractions there.

After giving her a shower I got in the bath per mom's advice to try to make the "false labor" stop. I just felt down so I called my cousin Alyssa for a pep talk since she is a birth warrior with six kids! Contractions did not stop.

Couldn't decide if I wanted to walk and encourage it or just rest. I guess a part of me wasn't ready for it to get going and I still felt tired and a bit despondent, so I rested in bed. Felt a strong contraction in my hips and was like "Back labor? No thank you!" So I crawled on my hands and knees up and down the hallway to flip the baby, all while giving the two older kids instructions for going to bed. They needed so much attention and I was getting irritable! Just go to bed and let me deal with labor! (My 10-year-old said "you're not in labor"--I guess he expected me to be louder?)

After putting them to bed I just wanted to lay and snooze and hopefully get through the night, since it still didn't seem like serious labor. My husband and I lay down (about 8:30 pm) and I had a few strong contractions, enough to hold his hand and really focus on my breathing. In my mind I said "I surrender. I allow myself to open and my baby to come down". I guess that psychological conceding was just the trick I needed because right away things really picked up and I felt a lot of pressure. I thought I must have to go the bathroom, and while I was standing in the bathroom I was overcome by a series of intense contractions. I just stood in the bathroom hanging on to my husband! My sucking urge kicked in and I sucked his hand a bit (is that just me? I get this oral fixation in labor) I must have been in transition. Which means all the irregularity was in fact "active labor."

We filled the tub and I got in. We let our birth team know things were for real. These intense contractions continued one on top of the other for about an hour. I gnawed on my husbands thumb with each one! 

When he needed to grab something there'd be a little hesitation as I cling to him, and I'd tell him when I was ready for him to jump up quick. But it's interesting when communication is difficult! For example I was getting cold but couldn't express that. I turned on the hot water myself--the bath was already full but it felt nice to have a hot stream i could touch. Another time I wanted a stimulating oil and reached to my selection to find peppermint (honestly for some reason it's easier to attempt doing the action myself than to say the words "peppermint oil"!) but I managed to communicate it and he began giving me whiffs of peppermint and lemon for mental vigor. He also put a small pillow on the bath ledge which was nice to put my forehead on.

As we neared pushing, My body naturally began panting and shaking with the contractions. I could feel the head about 2 inches inside me, with a large cervical lip. So for about 20 minutes, I focused hard with each contraction, visualizing the lip going back and praying, and saying "I release this, I release any and all blocks or hesitancies that could be involved." Etc

I kept checking myself every few contractions but I had mixed feelings because it would bring on a stronger one each time afterward. So finally I felt the lip gone and got a good feel of the head--hair and some kind of a funny ridge. I thought baby might not be presenting ideally. So I focused with each contraction on talking to baby. "Chin down please!" And in between I stood up to move my hips around, such as putting one foot up on the bath ledge in a deep side lunge position. Then as each contraction began I would kneel back down in the water and pant some more and grasp my husband. It's interesting how people say "try to let your body push by itself, go slowly, just pant" and I was keeping that in mind, although I wasn't really controlling what I was doing. My body automatically did the panting, and I didn't have a strong pushing urge. I think only twice (not consecutively) did I feel the need to give a push, and they are big pushes with a loud roar!! Of course this meant clearing my bowels the first one which actually felt nice to relieve some pressure.

I felt a stretch as the head emerged and then my body stopped for a minute and just rested. It was a new experience for me--my other two unhindered births, they were smaller and just shot out all at once like a rocket! So I thought it was funny to have a head out, just chilling!  (I considered standing up out of the water to show Rychen. Good thing I didn't because in retrospect to I remember the fact that the baby would have taken its first breath and it would be dangerous to get back down in the water.)

So after a minute another contraction came and the rest slid out. Always an amazing, indescribable moment! All I could do is shout "oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" And lift baby up. I held baby across my arm, face down. It was 10:00 pm. Baby snorted her first breath and then got real quiet and I realized she had slept through her birth! She lay contentedly in my arms for several minutes as we called in everyone to come see (including my friend who lives close by who wanted to come as soon as possible!) after my friend arrived we all peeked together and saw it was a girl!! 

I got out for the placenta to be delivered, walked around, but since the bleeding was fine I thought why hurry? I need to lay down and rest. But after a few minutes I changed my mind. I know people who wait and let it come leisurely but I'd just rather have it over with! So I followed Lennon's tips, and it took longer than previous times but it finally came out about 10:45. All the while holding (nursing some) baby attached to me. I wasn't opposed to cutting the cord but it just didn't happen with the various hubbub. Again, I had to talk to myself and release any subconscious beliefs blocking it (They say letting the placenta go is the final goodbye to pregnancy and sometimes we resist that. Could have been true for me, this pregnancy was a long road with lots of learning, growth, and faith. The last couple weeks really weren't bad at all. It was like a friendship I had come to appreciate).

So finally I got to lay down and nurse my baby. Lennon took care of the cord, helping my 10-year old to cut it. I had some snacks and Lennon finished things up (cleaning, giving me advice, etc) and a while later weighed baby at 8 lbs 14 oz (I delayed taking the baby from me because she would cry out loudly when she was disturbed) and we put the kids to bed (again!) at now 1:00 am. 

My husband went down to eat his dinner while I just marveled at the whole thing!! Birth is so amazing. Our bodies are created in such beautiful harmonies, and it's a wonderful thing to experience pure, undisturbed instinct. To be the one "in charge" of my own birth and yet surrender because I am really just a passenger as God works his glory through me. Childbirth is truly the pinnacle of a woman's creation. It's such an honor to experience it.