Rich & Famous Annalise

The past few weeks have been really difficult and I am so emotional, I am losing my rationality. For instance, I'm not rational enough to think through how to ask for help, or to what degree I am justified in asking for help, or if my feelings make enough sense to ask for help, or if I am just weak and giving into too much self-pity, or maybe I deserve be miserable, maybe I brought it upon myself.   Or maybe I am crazy and there are just no grounds to be miserable on; I know I have things easier than lots of people I know. Perhaps that is why I don't feel justified in sharing my feelings or asking for help. I think I am too insecure that I will be judged for these things, if I don't deserve sympathy.

 

I have felt the grim reality of being an adult and being supposed to take care of everything with a happy face without sharing our feelings and needs with others. I don't necessarily like that aspect of American culture--I really wish we could be there for each other more--but that's the facts, just the same. When you are a teenager, people at church show concern for you and always ask how you're doing. Then you turn a new age, or you get married or something, and suddenly nobody cares anymore.

 

Recently I suddenly became "pregnant." I admit, I had a fairly easy first and second trimester, and I kept up all my usual activities with some additional, yet manageable, downtime/extra sleep time. But then suddenly I hit third trimester and pretty much just got hit by a bus. I don't have anywhere close to the energy I need; I am never comfortable--my back hurts all the time; and I never get a good nights sleep.

 

This last one, especially lately - Elisabeth has been having various issues through the night, from throwing up to diarrhea, to just plain clingy and laying all over me. During the daytime she is a whiny, crying, yelling, hitting terror. It's such a headache and I just can't get things done while this is going on. She makes it very difficult to do school with Rychen, either physically or just when it comes to focusing on a task. The only option with her is to turn on the TV; it's either that or listen to my kids yelling and hitting each other.

 

Even as I write this I am hesitant to post it. I feel like people will judge me and say I brought this upon myself, I should put my kids in school or make them cry it out in their own room, etc. And sure, I will concede that I would have less responsibility if I put my kids in school; but I would also have less joy and fulfillments. That whole law of opposition with get you every time. I am having a lot of challenges but not enough to give up on my convictions.

 

I am serving as the primary pianist and the next two weeks just can't pass quickly enough. I need to get this primary program over with and find some relief in my calling, it's just so stressful mentally to be expected to do something I am incapable of; and playing the piano (especially sitting at a bench for 90 minutes at a time) is just too much for me to handle. But then again... am I just being a baby?

 

Besides kids, homeschooling, and church, I also have a stressful job at home, which I did not realize was stressful until I became pregnant and suddenly realized the physical work entailed in packing and lifting for hours at a time. As luck would have it, the busy holiday season has coincided with my third trimester. This is one thing nobody can do to help me with, and I am not willing to give it up... so yes I brought it on myself and yes I will keep suffering.

 

Back to that whole being-an-adult thing... I don't even know what's appropriate for me to share with my husband and what I need to be "strong" and keep to myself. It really gets old being weak and leaning on somebody. And oh yeah, there's that issue of time; we hardly get enough time to discuss our schedule, let alone my pregnant overly-emotional feelings. And when I have an opinion about something he is doing, to what degree do I express that, or should I tell myself to shut up and bear my own burden?

 

This is a strange post to write, anyway. I am NOT the type to keep my feelings to myself; I usually say too much and wear my heart on my sleeve. But when it comes to personal feelings of insecurity, or not being to handle my own life, I guess I don't ever really open up unless I feel safe and cared for.....and I just don't have a relationship like that. Not that I blame anyone, that really is a lot to expect from a person. We are all struggling with our own hardships, right? And it doesn't help that this society isolates us so we experience our struggles alone (so nobody is aware) or that the latest fad is venting on facebook where its tough to judge how serious a person is and what they need in response.

 

Gosh, adult life is complicated.