So Rychen went to bed early (he needs his sleep...that guy is gonna run his third 50 miler on Saturday! wow!!) and here I am by my lonesome reading my old journals! I found some GOLD here, I tell you. So I thought I would share it with you all.
December 5, 2003 (my birthday)
I was doing OK until I paid for graduation today. And then all at once I felt like crying! I couldn't figure out why I'm not happy to graduate. Then I realized it--I don't feel smart enough, I don't feel educated, there are still so many things I don't know and I want to learn! I have these yearnings within me, but I know they'll be there for eternity, literally. There is always more to learn and so I'll never be satisfied.
Then I realized that if I marry Rychen...well then life just got totally predictable. I am no longer the restless wanderer. I need to settle down and live righteously, raise a family, serve in the ward and neighborhood, support a husband, and build the kingdom... Of course there will be little events and surprises along the way, but its mostly outlined, just how its going to be from here on out! But following that will bring immense happiness and fulfillment (especially if its with Rychen :) )
hahaha ... I love my old journals. I just think I was the kookiest person ever. And here I am TEN YEARS LATER living a most predictable Mormon life. But is it boring? Wow, there are a lot of words to describe my daily life, but boring is NOT one of them!! And there have been tons of surprises--who would have thought that we'd be running marathons!? and doing all the other crazy stuff we do??
Here's another good part. Get ready for some ROMANCE, people!
November 8, 2003
The other day, Antonina was on the phone and she wanted to talk to Rychen. So she starts firing questions and she asked him if he loves me! (He didn't know I could hear her) He told her something like "I can't say..." Well later on, he told me a few times to remind him to tell me what she asked but I already knew what she asked, and I didn't want to talk about it!! But in the car on the way to Salt Lake, he told me she asked that and said he couldn't answer because he thought I should be the first to know! But the topic changed before he said it... until tonight, when we said goodnight and he said, "You can tell your friend that I think I do love you." and I just said "awww" and gave him a big hug. I'm happy he said that, and I do love him back but I like that expression more when it doesn't have to be given on the condition that its returned. So one of these days I'll get around to telling him!
[It actually took a while for me to tell him. It was hard for me to say it. He understood this. One day when we were cuddling I was telling him "I admire you, and I appreciate you, and I enjoy you..." etc. and he just looked me in the eye and said "I love you too" --- and that just touched me so deeply, that he knew exactly what I was trying to say!]
Okay here's the best part.
Dec. 14, 03
So last night we're sitting on my couch and he feels my ring finger and says "So, for future reference, what size would you say this is?" and I said I don't know, but I was honestly freaked out!! So overnight and this morning I was really thinking about what needs to happen here and where we're going. I was wondering if its time for me, or what the Lord wants me to do in the next year. Then through church, my fears were replaced with PEACE. I felt such a peace through church and my concerns were all answered through the spirit. It was so comforting. I knew I didn't have to worry, that it would all be okay. Then in R.S., impressions just came to me and I felt so good about Rychen, and trusting him, seeing us be together and grow, knowing that through Christ and His love, I would be able to make the commitment. So in that moment I had thought it all out and felt so right about us so I just said a prayer and told Heavenly Father, and asked if it was OK with Him. Then I got the most unique answer! I felt the edges of my mouth going up into a huge smile and I just felt such PEACE. No explosion, no fire--but I was totally at ease and I knew it would be fine with the Lord [to marry Rychen].
So after church we took a walk and went on the pathway up the mountain. It was beautiful and totally peaceful. I told him I felt peace at church and he held me--I just felt it more!! So I told him, "by the way, it's a 5-1/2" (I tried on Sarah's ring today) So 3 times I told him something about how I felt good about us, and each time I just felt really re-confirmed by the spirit, an increase of peace. I wanted to stand there hugging him forever. I love him today so much more than ever. My prayers are being answered. The Lord is at the helm! I love His plan so much, the whole idea of companions is awesome! I love it.
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