"He Who Loses Himself for my Sake"

A couple days ago, I wrote about how we create realities with our subconscious beliefs. This has been on my mind a lot, so as I go throughout my life I am able to observe examples around me where this could be true, and where it seems like it's not. I think the subject requires so much more discussion than I gave it, and more examination than I am able to give it. I would be interested to hear more personal experiences, which I could google of course, but I have some other more pressing topics that would be of more importance for me to research, so now it's just something I am pondering.

I have two caveats to what I wrote.

(1)
There are obviously exceptions. I wonder if this isn't the Tender Mercies of our loving Heavenly Father. For example, given my pattern of attracting experiences/relationships that validate my belief that I am unloved, Rychen is certainly not the husband I "should have" attracted into my life. Up to the point of dating him, I did in fact date some real losers. I was legitimately attracted to men who treated me like garbage. I had two relationships in particular that are just mind-blowing, the way I let myself get manipulated and abused. I was living patterns that would have walked me right into a marriage of domestic abuse.

When I met Rychen, I thought he was a big dork. I wasn't attracted at all to him. He was a boring introvert and he didn't meet hardly any of the criteria on my "list" of what I wanted in a man. (More on that fallacy in my next post!) But he was in my apartment basically ALL. THE. TIME., so conversations ensued. We were both psychology majors and tennis players so we studied and hit some balls. It was around this time that the Lord worked on my heart, showing me what I was actually worth, and the potential I had. Showing me what I could have in my life, if I opened my heart and allowed it. But no, it wasn't a conscious process. I still didn't know the man Rychen really was, and the marriage I would be incredibly lucky enough to step into. (Again, more coming on that in my next post!) There are nuances in our hearts and minds in our relationship with God, and our personal growth, that are so subtle we usually don't even catch them, until one day we find ourselves asking "Why did I do that good thing? That is not something I usually would do...."

Anyhow, the fact that I married into a relationship that is the exact opposite of the one I should have had, tells me it wasn't just chance. It was a deliberate act of God. I will never deny that Rychen is God's gift of love and mercy to me. I am an insecure person who fears criticism but tends to walk into it at every turn (or imagine it--there's that belief system operating again). But Rychen never criticizes me. And I'm not blind to the billions of opportunities he has had, almost on an hourly basis. He never mistreats me in any way, shape, or form. He has been unselfish, compassionate, accepting of my faults and countless quirks. Rychen's love for me is so unconditional, it's impossible for me to comprehend. I don't deserve it, and unfortunately I'm not currently able to reciprocate it. I'm not sure he even knows where he got it from or how he is able to do it. But it's a shining light in my life, a light that gives me a glimpse of God himself.

(2)
I do believe that our beliefs can cause physical illness, but I am not sure if it's what we're "supposed to do" to try to change our beliefs. I'm not sure if that is practical, feasible, realistic or effective at all. This is the part where I need to hear some personal experiences. Yes, I had certain beliefs about childbirth my first time around and I did the work to delete those beliefs and re-program my brain with new beliefs, which was very effective and produced amazing results. But that situation is, in a way, external, or at the very least, superficial. It was solely a worldview, an impression left on my mind from my childhood, but was not ingrained in my heart or soul at all. It wasn't an emotional thing for me. Those are much, much more difficult to get rid of. And frankly, who are we to do that sort of thing? The law of physics says matter can only move from a higher/more organized state, to a lower and less organized state. The fact that any change for the better, or healing, or personal growth is possible at all, is a flat out miracle. Anytime we move from negativity to positive personal growth, we are defying the laws of physics. It is God's work, not ours, although he won't do it against our will. We need to be open to it.

There are plenty of New Age techniques to release false beliefs and negative energy patterns, and I've tried them. I'm not sure what my opinion is. I enjoy visualizing because it gives me a concrete picture of actually destroying something intangible, or handing it to Jesus and letting myself be filled with his light. But as far as affirmations and tapping and all that jazz, I can't say I can give a glowing testimonial. I still do some energy work because it helps mitigate acute stress, but as for the healing of my fallen soul, I have turned my focus more directly to God: to my covenants, my callings, my family, and my study of doctrine. And over time, with my eyes fixated not on the process of healing, but on the Healer himself, changes have indeed taken place. Subtle changes in my heart that I can only see by looking back. Changes in myself that came about not because I worked and worked and worked to fix myself, but because I have learned to let it be...and get busy going about the Lord's work.

"He who seeks to save his life will lose it; but he who loses himself for my sake shall find it." (Matt 16:25)

This scripture is hugely profound. And I am still pondering and seeking to apply it--because obviously I still think about myself a lot. I am not yet a master. But this is something I can testify of: That we can NOT fix ourselves. No learned technique of man, no technology, no invention by the arm of the flesh is going to make us a better person or free us from this mortal existence. And the more we focus on the problem, the bigger it's going to get.

But if we instead let our problems sit, but go about the Lord's work, joy will come into our hearts. And our hearts will be changed. If you submit to what the Lord asks of you, you will find yourself serving people you would have rather avoided, praying for people you would have rather held resentments against, giving to others tirelessly when you really wanted to have a fit of your own, and actually praising God with gratitude in the moments you ought to be deeply remorseful. God has a funny was of working quiet miracles within us, miracles we don't always recognize at first. I know healing is possible, for I have been healed. And yet I can't quite put my finger on what I personally did to make that happen. :)

To Experience Life in it's Fullest Depths

I didn't know Robin Williams was struggling with depression, but now that I do, it makes perfect sense. If you look through his characters, you can see it. His depression gave him a certain depth. A perspective into his characters, and into life, that only a person with deep feelings can give. Fitting  for him, he played characters who were passionate. Characters who wanted to leave a mark. People who had something to say, and needed to be heard. Who would stand out from the crowd in their desire to find answers, find meaning, and not settle for anything less than this truth. And then sometimes clowning around is just the way to give yourself some comic relief from the rigors of such honesty. His films are in large part a balance between these two opposing, yet complimentary, forces.

He did play a lot of deep, meaningful characters. But even in movies meant to be comedies, you can see this pattern. Who is Mrs. Doubtfire, but a man so pained at having his family torn apart that is willing to succumb to the depths of humiliation to experience daily life with his children. Who is Genie, but a person with conflicting emotions about serving others endlessly while always denying his own needs, and wondering when his turn will come?

Some might find it ironic that a comedian can have depression. But you cannot separate joy and misery. You cannot separate two sides to the same coin, the coin of having deeply entrenched feelings and a desire to fully experience all the emotional nuances of this creation. When you wear gloves, you cannot truly feel what you are touching. When you take the gloves off, you will indeed feel. Both the exquisite sleekness of a Goose's down, and the painful burns of hot flames. It's an all or nothing agreement. Either you wear gloves, or you experience life in it's fullest, in every form.

My sister-in-law is a very talented song writer. She has said "I write sad songs. I don't know why...but I do." I have always admired her for being open and public with her profound and meaningful lyrics. My favorite songs have always been the most sad ones. Why? Because only art can fully portray the heart of a person, the heart that is usually hidden in social interactions. Only art can release the true expression, a language that cannot be captured in words, discussions, analyses (and yet I personally tend to be a word person with my emotions).

I too, write sad songs and sad poems. I too, experience life in a full, emotional way. I too, perhaps feel worthless, meaningless, and completely numbed when I am neither anxious, angry, joyous or ecstatic. Simply because that is how I experience the world. That is the language my heart speaks. Some may dismiss "negative" literature or music for being a downer, but I truly enjoy the naked, raw truth that these pieces demonstrate. They are a tool, a vehicle for me to then go on and explore my own depths. I look for meaning in life and I openly share my insights and desires with others, such as on this blog. Sometimes I give myself a hard time for being too open. Or I feel embarassed when I have openly explored feelings that probably needed more time to process and refine before releasing for public display. There are conflicting voices in my head and my insecurities overwhelm me. But what keeps me going is knowing I am not the only one. I am so grateful for models in the public eye who are not afraid to stand strong in their opinions and their vulnerabilities, and bare their souls. Robin Williams will be remembered as one such person.

Why did Robin Williams' suicide stir the nation? Because he left his mark, in the most intimately genuine act this uncertain mortal body has to offer, aside from procreation. And now we are left to contemplate all the profound questions and messages from his life's work. Questions we would rather avoid. Emotions we would rather not experience. But if we do not experience the profound and genuine emotion, we are just as dead ourselves.

Your Mind is a Tool of Creation

I found it interesting to hear from my brother, returned from a proselytizing mission in Central America, to say that the Hispanic people there would be very apathetic in their response to getting religious. Time and time again, Their response would be "If The Lord wills it," appearing to be politely interested and yet totally noncommittal, and unwilling to truly try it out because they are sitting around waiting for God to strike them with lightning or make a big change FOR them, without them having to get outside their comfort zone or do anything of their own accord.

To is Americans, this sounds ridiculous. We generally agree that God is not going to force anyone. It's up to you to show Him your desires and intentions. It's up to you to WANT something in your life first.

So we think this is ridiculous but at the same time, how often do we do the exact same thing, when it comes to matters we believe our beyond our control, so we say "the Lord's will be done" and then proceed to do nothing about our problem. It has become a catch phrase to brush anything off, and not take things seriously. We may have beliefs deep inside us that The Lord must want us to be poor or sick, because maybe we have something we are supposed to learn from the trial.

But in so doing, we completely step out of the equation and it just becomes an excuse to be apathetic and to settle for a mundane, mediocre existence, because we are too often too scared to step outside our comfort zone, and look beyond the beliefs and ideas we've had our whole lives. But wait, isn't life about learning? Then shouldn't we be continually re-examining ourselves, and looking for ways to let go and grow beyond that person we used to be?

The truth is, yes we are supposed to learn something from our trials! We need to learn to let go of the past, let go of faulty cognitive patterns, let go of old stale emotions that aren't serving us, let go of this stubbornness and pride, and choose to receive the light and healing that was made possible by Jesus Christ. The reason we are here on earth is to exercise our agency. This life is all about CHOICE and those choices specifically belong to US. To a large degree, we have the power and authority to choose the life we want. We fought a war in heaven over this! The concept of somebody making your choices for you, of somebody else designing your life FOR YOU, is the very concept we fought and lost 1/3 of our spirit family over! This is a big big issue and as you can see, the battle is still being fought now, with Satan leading us to believe we have in choice when it comes to our health, our income, our relationships, etc. We are certainly not pawns, riding this life just for the ride, while God controls our fate. Too often we behave as though life is something happening TO US, and we forget that we have made choices that lead us to where we are.

Before we get too far into this, I want to say that I do believe there is a delicate balance between our "control" and God's, and I don't fully understand or claim to. I am seeking to learn more about this. Sometimes I write and discuss ideas as a way to explore them, and I continue to refine them. But usually I can find a way to make them both work together--for two seemingly contradictory ideas to both be true. For instance, What if God is the giver of all good gifts -- perhaps we are totally incapable of healing ourselves or giving ourselves gifts -- but it's still our choice and totally within our control whether we accept the light he has already extended, and continually extends to us. And although in English "choice" is a word that usually implies a quick and final decision, in this case it can be a learning process that takes years. The key is opening ourselves up to it, and then God can orchestrate the resources, information, and healers to come our way.

I totally believe you are experiencing what you are in life because, on some level, somewhere in time, you made that choice. If you are struggling with money there is probably a belief inside you that you are not worth more than what you currently bring in, or that you can't be responsible for more, or that you do not deserve a life of comfort. If you are struggling with health, there are certain belief patterns underlying every unique health issue--there have been volumes written about this concept. If you are holding onto a broken heart, for instance, that may very well lead to cardiovascular disease because the energy in your heart has been stifled. If you are holding into beliefs that you cannot control your life (say as a child your choices were always made for you, or you were abused and felt you had no power) then you may very well develop a physical disease of losing control over some part of your body.

It's very interesting to examine patterns in our life--situations that just keep repeating themselves. Look at anybody's life story and you won't see 100 different trials, but you will see only a few trials, recycled and resurfacing 100 different times. 

In my life, in many different areas, I experience success and bliss for a season and then I lose it. Then it happens again and again, somewhere else in my life. It's like I hit the ceiling of the highest amount of joy I believe I am allowed to have and then I self-sabotage. I just recognized this today and I need to clear this belief.

I want to give a couple examples of how we unconsciously create self-fulfilling prophecies. A year and a half ago I specifically remember, mentioning to a friend that "my life seems too easy...and it makes me uneasy. like something is waiting around the bend, and I'm about to have a big trial." There was a belief inside me that life cannot be easy. Life is meant to be hard. So if life is going well, something is wrong and will soon correct itself. Well guess what? Within a month of me saying that, I hit a huge problem in my life and proceeded to have the hardest year of my adult life. I am still clearing the causes and working my way back.

Also when I was running a lot, I kept feeling this guilt in the back of my mind. I was being selfish, I believed. Running was not serving any one but myself and my pride for glory and competition. Every time I left my family to enjoy a long run, I would have to push the guilt further back. Well I pushed it back far enough that it created subconscious patterns within me and got me injured, so I couldn't run anymore.

The same thing happened with my business. I had an incredible situation and was taking advantage of it fully. I was a successful business woman, easily pulling in twice my husband's salary. But I kept feeling guilty, and feeling that I was a bad girl for seeing loopholes and manipulating a system for my own benefit. I would remind myself that God gave me this opportunity and it wasn't shameful to be successful. But soon enough, the belief ingrained within caught up to me, and the rug was pulled out from underneath me. I rebuilt my business with a new product and the same thing happened again! To this day, a part of me knowingly believes that I should not be working; I am ignoring my kids; I am being greedy for money I don't need.

I am bearing my soul here but another belief I have is that I am unloveable and nobody cares about me. This is not a conscious belief, but I have come to be aware of it. I have grown to see how I create my own situations to validate that belief and create a reality out of it. I throw parties and invite my friends but I "forget" to remind them, or I send subliminal messages that the party won't be any fun....and time and time again, nobody shows up. And maybe I subconsciously form friendships that I know won't be reciprocal. I believe that most of the relationships we form are in order to validate a belief we have. There is a reason we are attracted to certain people. The hardest thing to do here is to actually break a cycle once we recognize it. My sister was single and hated it, for several years. She seemed to be stuck in a rut in her life. Until one visit when she looked totally different and told us all about her new gym habit. This really struck me-- and I knew she would find her husband soon. Why? Because she had broken through and created some positive momentum in her life, which I knew would create ripples and change her beliefs about herself and on to change her relationships.

Another example of creating our own reality: I can't help but wonder, when children are disrespectful and don't listen, do we have a belief that we are not respected? Do we "ask" them, with our energy, to ignore us? If we need drama and feelings of martyrdom, do we "ask" others to do hurtful things to us? You can't deny that there are patterns. Some people get respect and some don't. Some people are never wronged, and some are continually offended every day....almost as if they are silently asking other people to treat them poorly.

So the first step is acknowledgement! It's a journey of self discovery and indeed, this life is about making choices--it's about Choosing to CLAIM our own power, and exercising our choice. Yes life is a delicate balance between God's power and our own. We are Divine beings; we are literally His offspring; and we have the power to create. We have the power to create our reality. Our thoughts and emotions are very powerful tools of creation. I just love hearing success stories of people who have learned this. Terminally ill patients who DECIDED they were not going to die. And parents who Truly believe in their heart that their children are Divine and innocent, and then those children do indeed behave like angels.

When I was pregnant with Elisabeth, I decided I would not feel pain in labor. I filled my mind with positive information about how easy birth was meant to be. I visualized and journaled to release my old, negative beliefs and patterns. As labor began I told myself I would not utter a single moan or negative word. Sure enough, the contractions were effective, calm, and the labor was very quick. I smiled and giggled throughout, and kept repeating "this is so exciting! We are doing it, baby! Come on out!" Like we were teammates on a mission. The labor was only a few hours long, and she came out effortlessly with no pain. I delivered her myself and was the only one to touch her for her first four hours of life. That was pure bliss. To this day, if you ask me what was the happiest day of my life, that's what I will tell you.

When our beliefs are in place, our experiences which will validate those beliefs just happen. The opportunities just come on their own. The blessings flow. It happens to effortlessly. I can say this because in some areas of my life I have experienced it; and I observe those patterns in other people around me. If you have a problem that needs to be solved, you can work and work and work with all your grit and willpower. But that will produce little results--its like your truck is in the mud and Yes, your foot is on the gas, but the wheels are just spinning and spinning. Conversely, when your belief system changes and you release the faulty thinking that was causing the pattern in the first place, it will just flow and take care of itself. 

Maybe it's time we take the blame back, and decide for ourselves to experience love and joy, and choose to see the good all around us, and re-write our brains and belief systems with the TRUTH, that YOU ARE whole, YOU ARE worthy, YOU ARE successful, and you deserve and are worthy to receive all the goodness that life has to offer. Heavenly Father is the author of all goodness and I don't believe he is willingly holding it back from anybody. Yes he is all powerful, but he will not impose that power, or His will, on us--unless we choose it for ourselves.

The Whole Fam-Damily!

 

These first few pictures are from Cub Scout Daycamp (family day). Rychen was super excited to go to this! He got to pack a lunch and everything, which is a pretty big deal when you're home-schooled.

Then the next week we were off to Park City to a Gremlich family reunion where we hung around a 3-floor house not doing much of anything. But I was glad we got to do a few group activities I have been waiting for.... Such as the 4-man Human Table (something we learned at Girls Camp when my sisters and I, as well as my parents during certain years, attended in the mountains near Las Vegas).

These two boys have a special relationship, and its fun to watch them interact!

 And this is just one cool uncle. Hey all you single ladies!! This one is available! and don't worry about gender roles, ASK HIM OUT!

This is my cute toothless girl. She lost 3 teeth in a matter of 2 weeks I think. She's not even six years old yet! Pretty crazy. My children have a way of defying all normal development patterns, both ahead and behind in a random pattern among the three of them.

Here's another shot of that single "family man," the most recent married man (2 years now!) and then the most recent available bachelor, fluent in both Chilean Spanish and funny faces, for those who care :)

and the whole fam-damily.... 

 ...some who can be silly and some who find it absolutely impossible. (My husband has a good fit as a Gremlich, in that sense)

 (p.s. Why is Andrew suddenly being sincere?)

Here is my favorite picture. We took one shot of the original family, my parents and 8 children. I felt something special in my heart during the few moments this photograph was being taken.... my roots. Although there was a very slimmer of a brief moment when the eight of us lived under the same roof, there is still a common blood, a common unity, a common Gremlich oomph. If you know what mean. (I'm not sure I do). I've had my years as the baby, my years as the big sister, my years as the defiant teenager wanting nothing to do with the Gremlich name. I've had my years at home, my years abroad, my years starting my own family, and my years yearning to be back at home as a child under the protective care of my parents. Family is something that goes full circle. And then it keeps going, because really it never ends. And I believe these phases never end--they continually press on, taking their turns in a circle of finding our identity.

 My parents currently have 8 grandchildren (and that includes fetuses, to my knowledge). Each is unique in their own way and it's been fun to see the various Gremlich genes, personalities, quirks, strengths and weaknesses express throughout the canvas of progeny. I had my own impressions of my uncles and aunts, gathered over years of occasional interactions; and I wonder how objective there are. And I wonder what their impressions have been of me. Now I wonder, what are my neices' and nephews' impressions of me? Have I spent enough moments with them to give them one at all? Do I make a positive impression of someone they might want to grow to be like? Good thing there is more time for that.

All in all, the Gremliches are a pretty cool fam-damily. (I will be pretty impressed if our soon-to-be exchange student can understand that joke! But she better get used to it, because I talk that way all the time. That's just how my wain brorks!)... Look forward to a post about THAT in a few weeks!)

Miracles

In Rychen's Sunday School lesson last week, he posed a simple question: Do miracles still happen today? He went on to conjecture that, although people say we don't have dramatic miracles such as parting the red sea, that these things do happen--if we were to compile the journals of the faithful saints in our ward, we would indeed have a modern book of miracles, akin to the Old and New Testaments.

This was a very brief portion of the lesson. I really wish we could have opened it up to experiences and testimonies. But it got me thinking.

We see the grand miracles in the Bible only because somebody witnessed it and wrote it down, and it was published for worldwide distribution. That doesn't mean miracles were unique to that time period; it only means they beat the odds and were publicized.

Are miracles publicized today? I doubt the media cares very much. They have already made it clear they don't care about God. When they do publicize miracles, they take liberties and change the story, or they dress it up like a Supernatural Phenomenon rather than a sacred experience with a personal, loving Father. Lately we have seen some nice stories on websites such as Upworthy, and I appreciate that.

Before you can publicize something, you have to witness it. Are miracles witnessed by a large audience? Or are they personal, private?

And before you witness a miracle, you have to recognize and admit that you did in fact see a miracle. How many of us give God credit when unexplainable things happen? When a spontaneous healing happens, the doctors usually call it just that - spontaneous - and will not acknowledge the Almighty in His handiwork.

Actually, forget unexplainable. Because that is precisely the problem now.  - Just because we have obtained the scholasticism to explain natural phenomena doesn't mean it's not God's work. There are INCREDIBLE things happening every second in this world, things that would absolutely ASTOUND someone living in Moses' time. What do you think their reaction would be, if you had a conversation with them and then the next day, replayed that exact conversation in the exact voices with identical intonation, for them to hear again, repeatedly? Or if you could pull up somebody from the other side of the world on a screen for them to have a conversation with? Or if you could put them in a metal vehicle which would then ascend up to 40,000 feet and fly at 500 miles per hour? 

Was walking on the Moon an act of God? Or just some really smart scientists?

It's naive to give man the credit for these modern miracles, and I will tell you why. If you look at the progression of history, let's call it the Evolution of man, it should follow an even, predictable rate of improvement. And yet it does not. For almost six thousand years (or many, many more if you are not a believer) Man barely evolved at all. Maybe he learned how to plant things and harvest, Big Whoop. And then suddenly something miraculous and unexpected, and indescribable happened in the 1500's and for the next 500 years, civilized world would never be the same again. Innovation and enlightenment has happened at phenomenal, exponential rates. At first, maybe every 50 years, a big new idea or discovery would come. Then every 30 years. Then in the 1900's it was every 5-10 years. And then in the 21st century, we see incredible inventions we couldn't have fathomed - new ones coming out almost every single day!!

I saw in a catalog a device you can hook up to yourself while you sleep, and it will record your dreams. Then when you wake up you can watch your dreams again.  That just blows me away. But forget about the most modern devices. I am still amazed with the tape recorder from 1970. It just blows my mind that something invisible - audio sound - can be captured and preserved to hear again and again. I will never get over that.

But if you're still hung up over Joshua and that wall, wanting to see God fighting our enemies on our behalf, protecting his people from physical danger, look no further than this week's news.

http://mobile.wnd.com/2014/08/hand-of-god-sent-missile-into-sea/

But in conclusion, the biggest miracle of all is not an invention, is not a tangible metal object. I was having a conversation about miracles with my friend and how miracles should not be necessary for a spiritual conversion. We are converted when we feel the Holy Ghost work on our hearts and give us a desire to be a new person. This unseen process can happen to anybody, in any culture, at any age, solicited or not. There are some amazing stories of criminals who have come to Christ. Who have laid down their previous carnal desires and addictions, and have risen to something clean, something with purpose and meaning, and have a new desire to choose good works and give their whole life to a cause greater than themselves. And that change of heart is precisely the biggest, grandest, most important miracle of all. If you witness no other miracle in your lifetime, let that be the one that you experience first hand.

"Verily I say unto you, they have their reward"

Thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. I enjoy sharing ideas and discussing insights. :)  And I love how Emily has been blogging to share her thoughts and the things she is learning. I think I am going to use my blog more. I would love to write out some personal reflections, it's mostly just a matter of time. We'll see how it goes...here's a start.

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

So, I give a lot. I am happy to. I enjoy serving. I don't think much about it, I just speak up and volunteer and easily give what I have to give, whether it be money, food, time, friendship, whatever. But sometimes I, like anybody, find myself saying "Wait a minute, what's in it for me??" or "When is it going to be my turn?"

Today I was complaining in my head something along these lines, and the Holy Ghost quietly whispered to me, "...Verily I say unto you, they have their reward." (Matt 6:5) What this means is, basically we can be rewarded by men or we can be rewarded by God. We can be rewarded now, or we can be rewarded in the next life. We can have a cookie now, or we can have the whole bakery if we just wait a little longer :)

That's not to say we're not being rewarded now. Sometimes when I am whining in my head about not having a certain blessing I am seeking, the Holy Ghost whispers to me, "Would you like to trade in one of your current, bigger blessings?" and I realize, Heck no!! I am totally blessed with really, really AWESOME things. There are 2 or 3 MAJOR blessings in our life that are simply miracles, and I would not trade them for anything. Obviously one is our temple blessings and the protection we enjoy having taken upon ourselves certain covenants. But we also have pretty cool temporal blessings that only the Lord knows we need...things that most people don't have and don't even want. But to Rychen and me, it means the world to us that Heavenly Father hears our individual prayers about things that most people would think silly, that are actually very critical to us and only a miracle can provide. And thus far, this miracle has been provided. I wouldn't trade that for more energy or stamina, I wouldn't trade that for more cooperative kids, I wouldn't trade that for local family.

When we give and give and give, and wonder when they will give something back, there is something crucial to remember. Are we being rewarded now? YES. We just have a different person paying us. Christ died and paid payment for all debts we incur in life....except financial debts :)  But all relationship debts, emotional debts, etc. have been paid for and all we have to do is accept the third party payment.  Why do we sit around holding grudges, waiting for the debtor to pay us, when they CAN'T, and the third party (Christ) is willing to pay us MORE than we deserve??I'm sure we can all relate to feeling WOUNDED. Maybe a heart-break. Or maybe somebody ruined our reputation, maybe somebody was dishonest with us, or for whatever reason, another person has hurt us and they are not apologizing. The pain of an unsettled debt is agonizing. They have robbed you emotionally, and you yearn for restitution. You yearn for reconciliation, for them to at least ACKNOWLEDGE that they have hurt you. And you wonder, will this debt ever be settled? The answer depends on if we are willing to accept third-party payments :)  The debt has already been paid. The blood of Jesus Christ pays us, WHETHER OR NOT THE DEBTOR CALLS UPON HIM TO DO SO. Whether or not the offender asks for the Savior to pay us on his behalf, He HAS. He is willing to give this to us so that our emotional reconciliation may be granted and we can have peace (But of course, the offender won't have their peace until they personally reach out and receive theirs).

I'm sure we've heard that in Sunday school before. But what about other debts?? Not when we've been hurt  but maybe when we've been UNAPPRECIATED? Do you know how much your CHILDREN OWE YOU?? Some children grow into sweet adults who shower their parents with praises and thank-you's, for more many more years than the service was given. Other adult children still don't acknowledge their parents. But even if they will eventually do so, what we if need some "pay" NOW?

I found myself thinking this one day and had an amazing epiphany. I was thinking how much my kids OWE me. How much appreciation I am due. It was that key word "Owe" that struck my heart, because I know that any debt I am owed has already been paid by the Savior. So I pondered on how the Savior has paid the debt of appreciation for the things I have done.

My next thought was, if I continue to play my martyr card (which I admit, I love to do and I play it quite frequently), that in essence is me refusing to accept the third party payment--I am refusing to accept the GRACE of Christ. If I have been paid in full, then I am no longer a martyr. If I have been paid in full, I can lift up my weary soul and SMILE, and live in peace. I don't have to worry about what I am owed, like a rock hanging around my shoulder every day weighing me down. This is what Christ meant when he said "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

So once again we come back to - "Verily I say unto you, they have their reward." Would you like martyrdom and drama to be your reward? Or can you give it up, and accept peace (and all the glories hereafter) as your reward? You don't get both.

When I was a teenager I struggled with clinical depression. And one day I realized I was on some subconscious level, CHOOSING that. I asked myself, Why would I want this? And of course the answer is, I love drama. Even if nobody is there listening or pitying me, the drama is in my heart and I sure love to whine in my heart. I had my reward. Does that make sense? I was getting something out of it. As long as you are getting something out of a bad situation, you're not the victim. You are benefiting (or to use a financial word since this post is about debts, you are PROFITING) from the negative situation. A victim does not profit. When we use negative situations for drama, we have chosen our reward. When we use negative situations to hold a grudge or play martyr, we have chosen our reward. When we use negative situations to tell exaggerated stories and gain attention from others, we have chosen our reward.

It is only when we surrender, and say "Fine. I won't hold onto this anymore. I won't USE this situation for my personal gain, in ANY aspect" that we can finally allow Christ to enter our hearts and finally pay that debt in full, in a way nobody else can do. And then we will truly be free.

So next time you find yourself asking "What's in it for me?" Just think, Eternal Life. Riches beyond measure. If I choose that reward, and THAT reward only.

How Sitting Backward Turned my Life Around

When I was in 8th grade I was going through a big shift in my inner life, processing life's experiences and all my confusing feelings and ideas. I had a lot to sort out. One day at the very end of the school year when we were just ready to get out for summer, my PE teacher was showing us a movie. We gathered in the shower area and sat down on yoga mats. While she was getting the VCR ready, we girls we all talking to each other, of course. So I was facing away from the TV, toward my friends. Once the movie was ready, she told us to be quiet and watch. Being the spunky rebel that I was, I did stop talking but remained in my position sitting away from the TV. I don't remember why--maybe I didn't want to watch the movie. She probably told me again to turn around, and I ignored her. So she said, go to her office for a little chat.

Soon she met me there and gave me a brief talking-to. Then she gave me a pat on the head and sent me back out to watch the movie. But I paused. And I asked the one question I will never forget: 

"Don't you want to know WHY?"

"Huh?" She wasn't understanding why I wasn't skipping out to be with my friends again.

"Don't you want to know why? You talked to me about my behavior but you didn't ask me why I am behaving like that."

So she invited me to come sit down in her office, and she closed the door. I did not see a single minute of that movie that day. Over the next hour and a half or so, I sat in her office and released the burden I had been carrying all alone for the past year, or maybe the past thirteen years. She listened and heard every word. She never judged me, and she never said she had better things to do. She just sat back and let me do that talking--which I will say, is quite the miracle, as I can't think of another single time in my entire life when I've had that privilege.

That was a big day for me because it helped me come to a decision. It gave me the confidence to act for myself and seek out my destiny. I left that locker room and walked home.

And then I left the church.

So it's kind of ironic that after such a good, validating experience, I was led to make a choice that set me on a path "away" from where I "needed to be." And I still haven't completely figured out whether that was the right choice that day or not. Because I will say, I needed to feel that I made a decision for myself. And I needed to allow my heart to explore some other possibilities. I needed some time to find myself.

Two years later, I had found myself, and I came back to the fold with 100% pure intent, truly converted for myself. But that is not what this story is about.

I woke up this morning thinking of this day. I can't help but wonder, if I had had that life-changing talk with somebody else, anyone else, or maybe somebody close to me (I mean come on, the PE teacher?? We were not close at all. That just happened to be the moment when it all came spilling out.) - and maybe somebody who had a sure foot in the Gospel - Would the outcome of that day have been different? My PE teacher had a negative opinion of Mormons so the conversation took a certain turn. What if I had talked to somebody who could help clear up my misconceptions and guide me toward the light rather than away from it?

But there is a reason why it was my PE teacher. There is a very simple, easy reason. And that was this: Because she was the only one willing to ask that question and sit down and listen.

So the point of the story is this: ASK WHY. People act out for a reason. Their actions reflect what they are going through internally. Don't take somebody's actions personally as if it's about you--it's always about THEM. If your child is misbehaving, Don't you want to know WHY? If your coworker is being deceptive or rude, don't you want to know WHY? If your spouse is withdrawing, don't you want to know WHY? If your visiting teachers aren't coming, Don't you want to know WHY? If a Mormon is a feminist or a gay rights supporter, Don't you want to know WHY? What have these people experienced in life that have given them these perspectives and impressions? What have they been through that has given them the belief that ... they are unloveable, or that their dreams cannot come true, or that they can't get out and do a calling, or they can't nurture their spouse, or they can't follow instructions, or they can't smile and be outgoing in public, or whatever it is they are struggling with. WHY? It's not because they are bad. It's because they are sorting through some real experiences and feelings, and even if it leads them down the "wrong" path, it will ultimately be for their good. Learning and seeking truth are ALWAYS good things.

Blast from the Past: 2003

So Rychen went to bed early (he needs his sleep...that guy is gonna run his third 50 miler on Saturday! wow!!) and here I am by my lonesome reading my old journals! I found some GOLD here, I tell you. So I thought I would share it with you all.

December 5, 2003 (my birthday)

I was doing OK until I paid for graduation today. And then all at once I felt like crying! I couldn't figure out why I'm not happy to graduate. Then I realized it--I don't feel smart enough, I don't feel educated, there are still so many things I don't know and I want to learn! I have these yearnings within me, but I know they'll be there for eternity, literally. There is always more to learn and so I'll never be satisfied. 

Then I realized that if I marry Rychen...well then life just got totally predictable. I am no longer the restless wanderer. I need to settle down and live righteously, raise a family, serve in the ward and neighborhood, support a husband, and build the kingdom... Of course there will be little events and surprises along the way, but its mostly outlined, just how its going to be from here on out! But following that will bring immense happiness and fulfillment (especially if its with Rychen :) )

hahaha ... I love my old journals. I just think I was the kookiest person ever. And here I am TEN YEARS LATER living a most predictable Mormon life.  But is it boring? Wow, there are a lot of words to describe my daily life, but boring is NOT one of them!! And there have been tons of surprises--who would have thought that we'd be running marathons!? and doing all the other crazy stuff we do??

Here's another good part. Get ready for some ROMANCE, people!

November 8, 2003

The other day, Antonina was on the phone and she wanted to talk to Rychen. So she starts firing questions and she asked him if he loves me! (He didn't know I could hear her) He told her something like "I can't say..." Well later on, he told me a few times to remind him to tell me what she asked but I already knew what she asked, and I didn't want to talk about it!! But in the car on the way to Salt Lake, he told me she asked that and said he couldn't answer because he thought I should be the first to know! But the topic changed before he said it... until tonight, when we said goodnight and he said, "You can tell your friend that I think I do love you."  and I just said "awww" and gave him a big hug. I'm happy he said that, and I do love him back but I like that expression more when it doesn't have to be given on the condition that its returned. So one of these days I'll get around to telling him! 

[It actually took a while for me to tell him. It was hard for me to say it. He understood this. One day when we were cuddling I was telling him "I admire you, and I appreciate you, and I enjoy you..." etc. and he just looked me in the eye and said "I love you too" --- and that just touched me so deeply, that he knew exactly what I was trying to say!]

Okay here's the best part.

Dec. 14, 03

So last night we're sitting on my couch and he feels my ring finger and says "So, for future reference, what size would you say this is?" and I said I don't know, but I was honestly freaked out!! So overnight and this morning I was really thinking about what needs to happen here and where we're going. I was wondering if its time for me, or what the Lord wants me to do in the next year. Then through church, my fears were replaced with PEACE. I felt such a peace through church and my concerns were all answered through the spirit. It was so comforting. I knew I didn't have to worry, that it would all be okay. Then in R.S., impressions just came to me and I felt so good about Rychen, and trusting him, seeing us be together and grow, knowing that through Christ and His love, I would be able to make the commitment. So in that moment I had thought it all out and felt so right about us so I just said a prayer and told Heavenly Father, and asked if it was OK with Him. Then I got the most unique answer! I felt the edges of my mouth going up into a huge smile and I just felt such PEACE. No explosion, no fire--but I was totally at ease and I knew it would be fine with the Lord [to marry Rychen].

So after church we took a walk and went on the pathway up the mountain. It was beautiful and totally peaceful. I told him I felt peace at church and he held me--I just felt it more!! So I told him, "by the way, it's a 5-1/2" (I tried on Sarah's ring today) So 3 times I told him something about how I felt good about us, and each time I just felt really re-confirmed by the spirit, an increase of peace. I wanted to stand there hugging him forever. I love him today so much more than ever. My prayers are being answered. The Lord is at the helm! I love His plan so much, the whole idea of companions is awesome! I love it.