After the Manner of Happiness (part 2)

Yesterday I wrote about "living after the manner of happiness," and making the best out of circumstances you cannot control. However, I admitted to taking the verse out of context. So today I have a different message—a different interpretation—that may be more accurate.

But this is not the rosy interpretation. You've been warned.

In 2 Nephi 5:27, Nephi reports that he and his people are now living after the manner of happiness.

At this point, the Nephites have finally been separated from the Lamanites.

The ceaseless attempts to take Nephi's life have stopped.

They have found a permanent dwelling place and have begun to build a city.

There is an abundance of gold and silver.

And Nephi is the King (he said he didn't want to be, but he is still the leader regardless).

....Yeah that sounds pretty happy to me!😆😆 I have no problem with this whatsoever. 

The fact is, Nephi wrote about his happy lifestyle AFTER his problems were gone. Nowhere in the Book of Mormon does it say he was happy during all the crap.

The truth is, something life STINKS. And we are anything but happy. 

I recently spent a 3-4 weeks mostly in bed crying, absolutely drained, unable to eat, exhausted and devoid of life, recovering from the most traumatic and heartbreaking experience I've yet to endure. 

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes "the manner of happiness" seems hopelessly out of reach. 

I know some of you feel this way, too.

Life has a way of sneaking up when we think everything is mostly okay, and throwing us on the floor, and stomping on us with glee.

Guess who else felt this way? 

Nephi.

For Nephi, the happiness came after the refining period. Or perhaps we can say, the happiness came only BECAUSE he had previously undergone a whole lotta crap in his life. 

(Because I know some Kings who have plenty of gold and silver, and they aren't happy. It's not the riches that make you happy. It's the relief and the comfort only in comparison to what you have previously known. It's the realization of promised blessings for which he valiantly endured to see.)

If you could have had a conversation with Nephi when he was tied up on a ship for three days, starved and beaten, I don't think he would have said "Hey let's look on the bright side of this! I'm just gonna choose to be happy anyway!" No. The scriptures never say that.

If you could have visited Nephi when he was wearing the bloody garments of an evil man whom he has just been commanded to kill against his will, and then the only remaining logical thing to do was to kidnap the witness, I don't think he would have said "This is peachy! I'm so happy!" (No, I think he felt just as yucky on the inside as he felt on the outside in those bloody clothes! Sometimes doing the work of God is yucky—but that's a post for another day.)

No, I don't think Nephi was happy.

You know what I think? I think he was TIRED. I think he lay awake at night worrying about his wounds and would they heal? Or worrying about his next meal, or how much longer he could remain safe, or how to comfort his wife, or whether the hearts of his brethren would ever be permanently softened, or when the promised blessings would EVER COME. 

Rinse and repeat, for EIGHT YEARS.

Guys, Nephi wasn't a Pollyanna. 

But Nephi was a hero. 

Nephi was an excellent example of what to do in times of trial. How did he react to these hardships? No, he didn't say "Life is peachy! Let's pretend everything is okay!" But he DID...

•Continue to praise the Lord

•Continue to trust the Lord

•Continue to obey

•Seek revelation 

•Avoid exaggeration and dwelling on the negative 

•Forgive (frankly)

•Serve when everyone else moaned

•Journal

•Study the scriptures

•Give himself pep talks

That last one might be my favorite 😁😁

(Bonus points to anyone who can find the references for each of those!)

In this recent stint of depression I went through, I did NOT have joy. In fact, I listened to Pres Nelson's talk "Joy and Spiritual Survival" and it didn't resonate with me ONE BIT. 

No, I didn't have joy...But I had MEANING.

But I prayed every day. I talked to God continually about what I was going through. I cried out to Him for comfort, for lessons and growth. I sought revelation and was taught sacred things. I journaled. I ugly cried as I ugly journaled (scribbling out raw emotions and brain dumping every single negative thing that comes to mind!)

...And I felt the LOVE of my Heavenly Father like never before. 

As I battled every accusation and negative comment that others said about me (real and imaginary), my Heavenly Father expressed His unending love and approval. I knew His opinion of me, and I had to let go of everyone else's (still working on that...maybe a lifetime pursuit).

As I battled difficult truths from my entire life story, He reassured me "There is a reason for this."

As I battled my humiliation and loneliness, He told me "You are never alone. And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

"You are a chosen daughter."

"I'm with you all the way."

"These things will be made right. You will receive the things you've longed for."

My suffering became very sacred. Why? Because my relationship with God is sacred. My life lessons are sacred. Growth is sacred. Communion is sacred. 

And there's no better way to achieve these things than to go through a bunch of crap!

I believe that Nephi knows about this. I believe that Nephi was prepared in the furnace of affliction so that he could lead his people. He was a King in the making, and boy, the growing pains of a King can be royally painful. 

And so I leave you with just one question: 

Do you intend to be royalty one day?

--

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After the Manner of Happiness (part 1)

This morning when my "plans" were (not unusually) interrupted by kids with sudden, bright ideas, I found myself reflecting on "living after the manner of happiness" (2 Nephi 5:27). 

I've always found that verse fairly vague—any meaning you derive from that is your own interpretation .... So here's mine.

*For me,* it sounds like a mental lifestyle. It sounds like making small choices within the small confines of what I can control. For me, I'm happiest when I don't have much of a calendar and I'm able to fly by the seat of my pants. 

Or should I say, my kids pants?

You never know what energetic, brilliant, creative kids (who are home with you all day!) are going to throw at you. You just can't predict ANYTHING. I can't predict when I'll get a chance to shower, or when I can respond to a text, or when I'll have a quiet window to do some personal study. I can't predict when the toddler will allow us to do a read aloud. I can't predict when my older kids might suddenly decide to follow instructions previously given multiple times. I can't predict my own moods or energy levels, which flunctuate far more often than I'd like to admit. And to top it off, I have no idea when my husband will be home (and checked in with us).

This is not all complaint. To some extent this delights me. I am NOT one for schedules and boring, mundane days on end. I enjoy spontaneity and making a supportive place for my kids' (or MY—let's be honest) big ideas (which sometimes need to happen TODAY!)  

Today the big ideas were: a mother-daughter jog in the park; making homemade bread and selling it to the neighbors; and memorizing 2 monologues by this afternoon, to prove that the double load can be handled. Plus whatever the three year old comes up with on a moments notice, whether it be doing the dishes, or inviting the chickens into the house, trying on a dozen outfits, or bathing a pet rabbit (there is no such thing as a tidy activity for this girl). Somewhere in there I hope to see some showers and chores but with this crowd, you never know. Maybe after 15 reminders.

I have chosen to unschool 4 children who all have some sort of mental/emotional challenge. That makes for a very busy, crazy life! Structure is not a forte in our house, but creativity is. A clean house is very rare, but excitement and ideas abound daily! Emotions in our family are rarely even keel, but we pick up the pieces and learn from each other.

For someone like me, living after the manner of happiness means controlling my stress level, remaining flexible, and minimizing my calendar (as well as expectations) so that there can be a POSSIBILITY of joy *within these circumstances.*

Living after the manner of happiness is the difference between being stressed, frustrated, and resentful, or being excited, goofy and thrilled—in this exact scenario either way!

To some degree, Nephi and his family had to learn to roll with the punches. Living in the wilderness (and having his life continually threatened)*, they could not afford to have high expectations for much of anything. But they needed to find joy in the journey regardless. They needed to focus on what they COULD control, to make room for the tiresome journey to be seen as an adventure, or as an investment for wonderful times ahead, or what have you!

Life is full of inconveniences, disappointments and frustrations. How can we work within those given confines, within our current circumstances, to make it a more positive and joyful experience?

____________________________________

*I'm not being exact with the timing and placement of the "manner of happiness" verse, but I'm making a point so give me some grace 

--

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He that is greatest among you

Scriptures can sometimes be ambiguous and lead way to confusion, misinterpretation, and ultimately a weakening of faith. In Sunday school today we discussed the fall of Adam and Eve, and I was particularly struck with this "curse" (actually a blessing) that was given to Eve: "He shall rule over thee" (Gen 3:16)

Adam is to rule over Eve, in Righteousness. She is to look to Him as He looks to the Father.

The world has gone is a tailspin with misunderstanding over what it means for a man to "rule" over a woman. Admittedly, to "rule" is a bit of a trigger word for many of us, but that is because we associate it with examples of unrighteousness ruling. Adam was (and all husbands and ecclesiastical leaders are) commanded to rule in righteousness. 

To understand what is meant to rule, we need to think no further than the Great Ruler is the Universe himself. Is He a dictator? Does he rule with an iron fist? No, rather He is kind, patient, gentle and loving. But I would go even further and say proper Righteous ruling is more than a nice demeanor. 

Matthew 23:11 says "He that is greatest among you shall be your servant."

Ruling is about serving!!!!

The Lord Jesus Christ says himself, "Behold this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the eternal life and immortality of man." His reign as ruler is not measured in conquest or domination; it is 100% measured in serving us, lifting us up, and giving us life and joy. 

This is exactly what the Priesthood itself is. Like Ammon, who technically had Priesthood stewardship over King Lamoni, said to him, "I will be thy servant" (Alma 17:25) and spent his days in Lamoni's fields without pay. 

Likewise, all Priesthood holders from the deacon to the living prophet are servants, and do not receive any pay or glory for their leadership. The men who hold the priesthood lead by essentially making themselves subservient to the women and others they preside over, often sacrificing many hours a week in servitude.

King Benjamin is another great example of righteous ruling. In Mosiah 2:10-16 he explains,

"I have not commanded you to come up hither that ye should fear me, or that ye should think that I of myself am more than a mortal man. But I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen...that I should be a ruler and a king over this people; and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me.

"I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you...and even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands that I might serve you, and that ye should not be laden with taxes, and that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne--and of all these things which I have spoken, ye yourselves are witnesses this day.

"Yet, my brethren, I have not done these things that I might boast, neither do I tell these things that thereby I might accuse you; but I tell you these things that ye may know that I can answer a clear conscience before God this day. Behold, I say unto you that because I said unto you that I had spent my days in your service, I do not desire to boast, for I have only been in the service of God."

From these examples you can plainly see that ruling in righteousness means serving. And what woman wouldn't want a man humbly serving her, looking out for her best interest, working for her gain, providing her temporal needs, supporting her emotionally and leading her spiritually? God says "my house is a house of order," and stewardship is clearly the proper order of righteousness. 

I hope this helps you see that being "ruled over" is not something to be feared or fought against. To desire otherwise would be to desire anarchy, and essentially, to have no God. For God is ruling over us, which is 100% a blessing and solid support to our eternal welfare. Anything following that model is likewise a blessing. 

I am so thankful for my husband, who is my servant, who is humble, gentle and very generous. His service lifts me up and enables me to become something beyond my own abilities—the mark of a righteous ruler, without fail.

In conclusion I would like to point out that when scriptures are ambiguous and we don't quite grasp how the words can be a good thing, we have the opportunity to make a choice: we can either follow the world's interpretation which usually stirs us up to anger and contention, or we can seek further light and knowledge and ask Heavenly Father what it truly means. Confusion is not a fruit of the spirit. I know that when we are meek and teachable, when our hearts are softened, we can experience peace with anything in the gospel that is difficult to understand. Peace and reassurance is the fruit of the spirit; I have felt this in my own life, and I know that the Lord wants us to gain knowledge and have this peace, an increase of joy, and a strengthened testimony.

I chose this picture because it shows the King and his Crown of abasement. He is humble and never self seeking. He is a true King, a true Ruler and Servant.

--

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Ruling in Righteousness

Scriptures can sometimes be ambiguous and lead way to confusion, misinterpretation, and ultimately a weakening of faith. In Sunday school today we discussed the fall of Adam and Eve, and I was particularly struck with this "curse" (actually a blessing) that was given to Eve: "He shall rule over thee" (Gen 3:16)

Adam is to rule over Eve, in Righteousness. She is to look to Him and He looks to the Father.

The world has gone is a tailspin with misunderstanding over what it means for a man to "rule" over a woman. Admittedly, to "rule" is a bit of a trigger word for many of us, but that is because we associate it with examples of unrighteousness ruling. Adam was (and all husbands and civil or ecclesiastical leaders are) commanded to rule in righteousness. 

To understand what is meant to rule, we need to think no further than the Great Ruler is the Universe himself. Is He a dictator? Does he rule with an iron fist? No, rather He is kind, patient, gentle and loving. But I would go even further and say proper Righteous ruling is more than a nice demeanor. 

Matthew 23:11 says "He that is greatest among you shall be your servant."

Ruling is about serving!!!!

The Lord Jesus Christ says himself, "Behold this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the eternal life and immortality of man." His reign as ruler is not measured in conquest or domination; it is 100% measured in serving us, lifting us up, and giving us life and joy. 

This is exactly what the Priesthood itself is. Like Ammon, who technically had Priesthood stewardship over King Lamoni, said to him, "I will be thy servant" (Alma 17:25) and spent his days in Lamoni's fields without pay. 

Likewise, all Priesthood holders from the deacon to the living prophet are servants, and do not receive any pay or glory for their leadership. The men who hold the priesthood lead by essentially making themselves subservient to the women and others they preside over, often sacrificing many hours a week in servitude.

King Benjamin is another great example of righteous ruling. In Mosiah 2:10-16 he explains,

"I have not commanded you to come up hither that ye should fear me, or that ye should think that I of myself am more than a mortal man. But I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen...that I should be a ruler and a king over this people; and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me.

"I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you...and even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands that I might serve you, and that ye should not be laden with taxes, and that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne--and of all these things which I have spoken, ye yourselves are witnesses this day.

"Yet, my brethren, I have not done these things that I might boast, neither do I tell these things that thereby I might accuse you; but I tell you these things that ye may know that I can answer a clear conscience before God this day. Behold, I say unto you that because I said unto you that I had spent my days in your service, I do not desire to boast, for I have only been in the service of God."

From these examples you can plainly see that ruling in righteousness means serving. And what woman wouldn't want a man humbly serving her, looking out for her best interest, working for her gain, providing her temporal needs, supporting her emotionally and leading her spiritually? God says "my house is a house of order," and stewardship is clearly the proper order of righteousness. 

I hope this helps you see that being "ruled over" is not something to be feared or fought against. To desire otherwise would be to desire anarchy, and essentially, to have no God. For God is ruling over us, which is 100% a blessing and solid support to our eternal welfare. Anything following that model is likewise a blessing. 

I am so thankful for my husband, who is my servant, who is humble, gentle and very generous. His service lifts me up and enables me to become something beyond my own abilities—the mark of a righteous ruler, without fail.

In conclusion I would like to point out that when scriptures are ambiguous and we don't quite grasp how the words can be a good thing, we have the opportunity to make a choice: we can either follow the world's interpretation which usually stirs us up to anger and contention, or we can seek further light and knowledge and ask Heavenly Father what it truly means. Confusion is not a fruit of the spirit. I know that when we are meek and teachable, when our hearts are softened, we can experience peace with anything in the gospel that is difficult to understand. Peace and reassurance is the fruit of the spirit; I have felt this in my own life, and I know that the Lord wants us to gain knowledge and have this peace, an increase of joy, and a strengthened testimony.

--

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Introducing Eden Hazel Jones

Eden was born Jan 30. Here's the story!

Friday I had a moving conversation with someone and felt that baby was ready but might need a jump start. I had mixed feelings as I usually over-analyze everything so I went to pray. I asked the Lord if I should take the homeopathic pills I had been considering all week--if so I need a sign. Could you give me a contraction now? Right away I felt a BH tightening. So I took the pills and noted the time--I would need to take a dose every 20 mins for a couple hours. I also looked up some YouTube videos and while watching a movie held various accupressure points. By the end of the movie I recognized some true (not BH) contractions. I lay down to go to bed and felt a series of them. I fell asleep open to the possibility of waking up to labor. But I guess I needed to keep up with the pills maybe. I slept pretty well, feeling some throughout the night. But by 6am I felt confident sending Rychen out on his 3-hour marathon training run.

I had this prodromal labor all morning. Really irregular contractions. I didn't take the pills again yet because I wanted to make a spicy curry lunch which might antidote them. We were busy with a few things anyway. So early afternoon I took homeopathics again. It gave me a push but there was still no regular patten. I found it significant that between 3:30-4:30 while I lay on the couch I timed consistent contractions about 5 min apart. But as soon as I got up and moved they went back to being off/on, irregular both in frequency duration and intensity.

Rychen and I lay down to watch a TV show and they really fizzled out it seemed. Plus I was getting sleepy and not in the mood for games!

Ate dinner, discussed false labor with my mom who had 8 kids and had her fair share. I thought that's what it was and felt pretty down. Just wanted to go to bed and try tomorrow. I had to give Elisabeth a shower first and I had a few successive contractions there.

After giving her a shower I got in the bath per mom's advice to try to make the "false labor" stop. I just felt down so I called my cousin Alyssa for a pep talk since she is a birth warrior with six kids! Contractions did not stop.

Couldn't decide if I wanted to walk and encourage it or just rest. I guess a part of me wasn't ready for it to get going and I still felt tired and a bit despondent, so I rested in bed. Felt a strong contraction in my hips and was like "Back labor? No thank you!" So I crawled on my hands and knees up and down the hallway to flip the baby, all while giving the two older kids instructions for going to bed. They needed so much attention and I was getting irritable! Just go to bed and let me deal with labor! (My 10-year-old said "you're not in labor"--I guess he expected me to be louder?)

After putting them to bed I just wanted to lay and snooze and hopefully get through the night, since it still didn't seem like serious labor. My husband and I lay down (about 8:30 pm) and I had a few strong contractions, enough to hold his hand and really focus on my breathing. In my mind I said "I surrender. I allow myself to open and my baby to come down". I guess that psychological conceding was just the trick I needed because right away things really picked up and I felt a lot of pressure. I thought I must have to go the bathroom, and while I was standing in the bathroom I was overcome by a series of intense contractions. I just stood in the bathroom hanging on to my husband! My sucking urge kicked in and I sucked his hand a bit (is that just me? I get this oral fixation in labor) I must have been in transition. Which means all the irregularity was in fact "active labor."

We filled the tub and I got in. We let our birth team know things were for real. These intense contractions continued one on top of the other for about an hour. I gnawed on my husbands thumb with each one! 

When he needed to grab something there'd be a little hesitation as I cling to him, and I'd tell him when I was ready for him to jump up quick. But it's interesting when communication is difficult! For example I was getting cold but couldn't express that. I turned on the hot water myself--the bath was already full but it felt nice to have a hot stream i could touch. Another time I wanted a stimulating oil and reached to my selection to find peppermint (honestly for some reason it's easier to attempt doing the action myself than to say the words "peppermint oil"!) but I managed to communicate it and he began giving me whiffs of peppermint and lemon for mental vigor. He also put a small pillow on the bath ledge which was nice to put my forehead on.

As we neared pushing, My body naturally began panting and shaking with the contractions. I could feel the head about 2 inches inside me, with a large cervical lip. So for about 20 minutes, I focused hard with each contraction, visualizing the lip going back and praying, and saying "I release this, I release any and all blocks or hesitancies that could be involved." Etc

I kept checking myself every few contractions but I had mixed feelings because it would bring on a stronger one each time afterward. So finally I felt the lip gone and got a good feel of the head--hair and some kind of a funny ridge. I thought baby might not be presenting ideally. So I focused with each contraction on talking to baby. "Chin down please!" And in between I stood up to move my hips around, such as putting one foot up on the bath ledge in a deep side lunge position. Then as each contraction began I would kneel back down in the water and pant some more and grasp my husband. It's interesting how people say "try to let your body push by itself, go slowly, just pant" and I was keeping that in mind, although I wasn't really controlling what I was doing. My body automatically did the panting, and I didn't have a strong pushing urge. I think only twice (not consecutively) did I feel the need to give a push, and they are big pushes with a loud roar!! Of course this meant clearing my bowels the first one which actually felt nice to relieve some pressure.

I felt a stretch as the head emerged and then my body stopped for a minute and just rested. It was a new experience for me--my other two unhindered births, they were smaller and just shot out all at once like a rocket! So I thought it was funny to have a head out, just chilling!  (I considered standing up out of the water to show Rychen. Good thing I didn't because in retrospect to I remember the fact that the baby would have taken its first breath and it would be dangerous to get back down in the water.)

So after a minute another contraction came and the rest slid out. Always an amazing, indescribable moment! All I could do is shout "oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" And lift baby up. I held baby across my arm, face down. It was 10:00 pm. Baby snorted her first breath and then got real quiet and I realized she had slept through her birth! She lay contentedly in my arms for several minutes as we called in everyone to come see (including my friend who lives close by who wanted to come as soon as possible!) after my friend arrived we all peeked together and saw it was a girl!! 

I got out for the placenta to be delivered, walked around, but since the bleeding was fine I thought why hurry? I need to lay down and rest. But after a few minutes I changed my mind. I know people who wait and let it come leisurely but I'd just rather have it over with! So I followed Lennon's tips, and it took longer than previous times but it finally came out about 10:45. All the while holding (nursing some) baby attached to me. I wasn't opposed to cutting the cord but it just didn't happen with the various hubbub. Again, I had to talk to myself and release any subconscious beliefs blocking it (They say letting the placenta go is the final goodbye to pregnancy and sometimes we resist that. Could have been true for me, this pregnancy was a long road with lots of learning, growth, and faith. The last couple weeks really weren't bad at all. It was like a friendship I had come to appreciate).

So finally I got to lay down and nurse my baby. Lennon took care of the cord, helping my 10-year old to cut it. I had some snacks and Lennon finished things up (cleaning, giving me advice, etc) and a while later weighed baby at 8 lbs 14 oz (I delayed taking the baby from me because she would cry out loudly when she was disturbed) and we put the kids to bed (again!) at now 1:00 am. 

My husband went down to eat his dinner while I just marveled at the whole thing!! Birth is so amazing. Our bodies are created in such beautiful harmonies, and it's a wonderful thing to experience pure, undisturbed instinct. To be the one "in charge" of my own birth and yet surrender because I am really just a passenger as God works his glory through me. Childbirth is truly the pinnacle of a woman's creation. It's such an honor to experience it.

If all men were like unto Moroni...

If all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yeah, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.
Alma 48:17

It's a very popular scripture--I'm sure you've heard numerous times. But today I remembered it and it struck me with new force. Today this scripture takes on new meaning, because today I realized Moroni was not a perfect person. His influence to shake the powers of hell is not because he is perfect.

Let me start at the beginning. I am a "Type 3" energy which means I have some great key strengths and some very specific weaknesses as well. I am bold and confident to a fault; I am pushy, reactive, explosive, passionate, and sure of myself even when I'm wrong. These faults have brought sorrow and regret to my heart on many occasions.

Do those traits sound familiar? Can you think of a scripture character who is so full of himself and confident in his cause that he is powerful and strong, and yet he has a habit of responding rashly and harshly, and sometimes making less-than-sound judgment calls? And yet he has a brilliant strategic mind, thinking outside the box and calculating just the right tricks to use for his cause, stubborn and determined until he reaches his successful outcome; and ultimately finds his greatest strength in his unyielding dedication to his cause, and his unwavering faith in the true source of his army's strength.

Yes, friends. Captain Moroni is a determined, stubborn, passionate, reactive, pushy Type 3 energy--a very effective leader. He is known for his brilliant mastermind and zealous push for victory time and time again. Yet his mistakes as well are recounted in the Book of Mormon for us all to see. How many times have I read chapters 60-61 just shaking my head... Moroni! How dare you jump to conclusions? I can't believe how quickly you assume, react, and act out in haste and anger before examining all the details and possibilities! (Oh, SO type 3!!) and in chapter 55 verses 1-3, can you believe the spunk and attitude this kid has?! After initiating a deal to exchange for prisoners, he changes his mind out of vengeful spite (and pride, I'd say) like a modern teenage girl saying "Well now, I DON'T want it!! Keep them!! FINE!!!" and then angrily plotting her passive-aggressive revenge.

And then chapter 55 goes on to detail yet another incredibly mastermind strategy and this stubborn kid actually gets his way after all! He doesn't want to exchange for prisoners, thank-you-very-much, he wants to sneak in and just TAKE THEM!

Anyway I was just marveling at this Type 3 character and all he gets away with--all his successes despite his character flaws and even foolishness at times. And then the spirit whispered to me, If all men were like unto Moroni, behold the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yeah, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

If all men were so confident, brave, determined... If all mean were so zealous, strong-willed, and stubborn, notwithstanding the inherit flaws that accompany such traits.... 

If all men were so FAITHFUL despite their own flaws... The very powers of hell would be shaken forever.

And my eyes brimmed with tears as my mind recalled all the stupid things I've done in my life. All the times my rash, strong will has gotten me into trouble. All the times I have hurt my loved ones with my zeal and passion. And the spirit whispered, Annalise I have seen all the good things you do too! And the spirit told me, If all women were like Annalise the very powers of hell would be shaken forever.

And I thought of all the "horrible" mistakes Rychen and I have made raising our family...I thought of how I see myself screwing up my kids... and the spirit told me, If all parents were like Rychen and Annalise, the very powers of hell would be shaken forever.

Annalise, you may be flawed...but you are worthy. You are making a difference. Never forget.

Because the Lord can do amazing works through broken tools. In fact, every amazing work ever completed on this earth, save by Jesus Christ alone, have been wrought through broken tools. Broken instruments in His hands, yet instruments who keep trying. Instruments who stay faithful, who do all that's in their power, notwithstanding the many errors along the way.

If all people were like [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE] the very powers of hell would be shaken forever; yeah the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.  If you are dedicating a faithful life to Christ, making daily sacrifices and striving uphill most days, but not giving up--you are a powerful tool in the Kingdom of God! He sees you. He recognizes all your work and sacrifice. He needs you!

Isn't is amazing that something so broken can do such amazing things in building up the Kingdom of God? That is the incredible power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. The is the extraordinary GRACE of our good Lord. All worthy things are done through Christ, and He works through fallible men. We are indeed accomplishing amazing things. Let the work go forward!

Courtship, Dating, & What Sexy Really Is

I grew up a typical LDS teenager with church dating guidelines, although my family never established any firm, set rules. LDS guidelines are no dating until age 16, which is generally adhered to. After that it gets fuzzy (the guidelines don't get fuzzy, but actually following them is the part that tends to get tossed aside). They are: Begin dating at age 16 in group settings, for the purpose of friend-shipping and gaining experience interacting with members of the opposite gender. Paring off is discouraged. Exclusive dating while in the high school years is discouraged. These are in addition to the basic morality standards; no "petting" or "necking" (they really need to update these old fashioned words. I am not going to define them for you here, sorry).

This may sound pretty strict, especially coming from an organization. Why should they get involved in your personal life? If you don't have sex, you are OK to do what you want, right? It's important to understand the reason for these rules. It's totally appropriate for the church to have a say, and that is because in the area of marriage and family, there are some fundamental doctrines in our religion. The church has been clear: The purpose of dating is to lead to marriage. Obviously, no high schooler is ready for marriage, so that is exactly why it is discouraged to date exclusively and pair off. Dating during the high school years is only to gain experience with the other gender--making friends, learning about various personality traits, observing and influencing each others behavior, learning to appreciate and work with the differences between genders, etc.

The world uses the same word, "dating," to mean something totally different. Outside the church, dating usually means having lots of fun with the opposite sex to meet your own needs and pleasures, either in exclusive relationships or "playing the field," with no limits on sexual affections, and with little or no intention to make commitments.

Anyway, when I was in high school my fantastic friend Antonina told me about a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. It's a mainstream Christian book about Courting. I was FLOORED. I had no idea that there were HIGHER standards out there. But I was JEALOUS!! I wished my parents had used courting with me. The main difference between LDS dating and Courting is that families are involved in this "group" dynamic, with an emphasis on getting to know each other in real life setting, not going out for entertainment with peers. Think about it -- usually you date with friends and "get to know" somebody only in the context of your own age group. You go to restaurants and have fun, you go to movies and have fun, you go to theme parks and have fun. You don't actually do very much that resembles anything you're going to be doing as a parental unit together. If dating truly is to "try somebody on" for marriage, then I seriously think there ought to be some marriage-like activities going on...such as babysitting, cooking meals, grocery shopping, fixing household things, yard work, working out financial problems, etc.

Another aspect of courting is that your parents are very involved, giving you feedback, keeping you objective and grounded so your emotions don't get carried away, and being an accountability partner for purity goals. I think this is awesome. In that regard, finding your mate is just another wonderful family togetherness activity that you get to bond with your parents over. So you might even say that your parents help you to make your selection. Read more on that here:
Duggar's Courtship Rules
Michelle Duggar on Courtship

The other aspect of Courting vs. LDS Dating I forgot to mention is that courting is exclusive, at all stages. There is absolutely NO spending time with one person on Thursday and then having somebody else over on Friday. I never realized the big downfall here (I never realized there was any downside to courting at all), until I read this article: How Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed.

So this article got me thinking. After all, Rychen and I need to decide what ground rules we're going to have with our kids. And Courtship doesn't work unless you have a community with the same tradition, which kind of screws us as Mormons. (I'm hoping in the next 11 years, a sizeable amount of Mormons will catch on after watching TLC, and follow the super cool Duggar family's example!)

But the one thing about How Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed that I have a strong opinion in opposition to, is the belief "How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person?" This is common in LDS culture. In fact, the youth are encouraged to have a list of what personality traits they would like in a spouse.

I think this is ridiculous, and here's why.

•  Everybody has a unique personality. You cannot date everyone to know what "personality you fit well with."
• The personality a person has today will NOT be the personality they will have 10, 20, 30 years from now. Marriage is a commitment and it's impossible to know what you are getting yourself into. Let's not pretend like you can evaluate a person and analyze what your future life is going to be like together.
• The million possible trials and experiences you will have during marriage cannot be properly conceived and planned for. It is unfair to measure somebody against such a huge hypothetical.
• Arranged marriages have a wonderful success rate. It seems odd in our culture to marry a stranger, but I truly feel that whomever you marry and however well you think you know them, one day you are going to wake up next to a stranger. And no matter how you got together, you are going to have to consciously nurture your relationship and intentionally fall in love with each other anyway.
• Married couples tend to be comprised of an introvert and an extrovert. But who did this consciously? No, it's just one of those things intuition sets up.
• So let's talk about intuition. Or in other words, going by the feel of it without so much analysis. Attraction and compatibility are not something you can compute and estimate.

So let's talk about this little "list" idea. Cute, isn't it? tee-hee-hee. Let's just pick and choose a designer spouse and order him off a menu. What kind of idea does this give the youth, that they can evaluate a person and cross them off their list if there is a quirk or two that doesn't fit their criteria? Do you really think YOU can handle the job of predicting the exact kind of person who will make you happy 30 years down the road?

Let me tell you my story. I loved the list idea. I wrote out lists all the time. I had boys on my mind ALL. THE. TIME. Another reason to push for Courtship - parents need to teach youth not to be idle with their thoughts, and guard their heart! "Guard your heart" is a fantastic term in the mainstream Christian world that I wish Mormons would pick up on. It is very important. We talk plenty about boys keeping their thoughts pure, but we don't talk enough about the equivalent for young girls--and it's something I really did succumb to, which I wish I would have been warned about. Just like Joshua Harris says in his book, I got married with only a fraction of my heart left to offer my husband. I'm sorry but that's a plain tragedy right there. But I digress.

So my cute little list. It went something like this. Musical, Funny, Good dancer, Speaks another language, Loves playing with kids... Do I need to go on, or do you already see my point? It should be obvious to anyone who knows this guy I ended up marrying--he's not a single one of those things!!! It's a good thing my eyes weren't firmly fixed on that list, or else I would have missed the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I talked a little about this yesterday. And this is why I do not think lists are necessary, I don't think dating the field is necessary, and I don't think looking for the perfect spouse is effective. I'm sorry, but YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

Guess who does?

So if I could give one piece of advice to today's Christian youth, it would be to take a chill pill. Hollywood has told you LIES. Stop looking for Mr. Right. Stop looking for some ethereal, intense, indescribable chemistry. Stop looking for all the stars to align. Stop analyzing every boy you meet. That's not fair at all! They are works in progress, just like you are.

Rychen and I got to know each other as friends. I was not attracted to him. (Sorry sweetie) I did not feel any chemistry.....UNTIL some time passed, and I began to develop a true admiration and friendship-type of LOVE for him as a person. Not as a slab of marriage meat, but as a son of God. This is the same kind of pure, Christlike love that is described in this amazing story (read question #4). This is a kind of non-sexual love that Hollywood (and the secular world at large) would never understand. It is non-sexual that leads to the most amazing, pure intimacy possible. I want to shout from the rooftops to the world, YOU CAN DEVELOP SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR SOMEBODY YOU ARE NOT "ATTRACTED" TO!!

Physical bodies might be stimulating for some, but do you know what is super attractive? A man who comes home from work and asks his woman about her day, and then LISTENS to the answer. Even if it takes an hour. Do you know what is totally sexy? A man who cleans up the house and then disappears with the kids before MY FRIENDS come over. Do you know what just plain turns me on? A man who ponders and discusses gospel doctrines in a deep, meaningful way. I don't care if my husband were a quadriplegic, when a woman is taken care of and cherished, and He lives his life for God, she will have no problem being attracted to her man.

Ahem. Anyway to finish our story. We were wonderful friends who spent pretty much every afternoon studying together. One day my roommate asked me, "Do you think you'll marry Rychen?" and my response was, "Well....he's my best friend. So I don't to marry anyone else." And there you have it. In a pure marriage, you do not have close friends of the opposite sex outside your marriage. So, all you single people, if you have a best friend of the opposite sex, you better secure that. That was the best choice I ever made.

And that is exactly how God set us up, and love kind of snuck up on me without me realizing it.

(But I still kinda wish we had gotten to know each other in a family/normal lifle context... I still maintain that I had no idea Rychen liked watching sports until after we were married. And I was somehow under the impression that he liked to read and discuss self-help books. Hmmm that's BYU dating for you!!)

P.S. Ten years or so later, now my husband is a hot athlete and he is RIPPED!! He is dang sexy. The end.

"He Who Loses Himself for my Sake"

A couple days ago, I wrote about how we create realities with our subconscious beliefs. This has been on my mind a lot, so as I go throughout my life I am able to observe examples around me where this could be true, and where it seems like it's not. I think the subject requires so much more discussion than I gave it, and more examination than I am able to give it. I would be interested to hear more personal experiences, which I could google of course, but I have some other more pressing topics that would be of more importance for me to research, so now it's just something I am pondering.

I have two caveats to what I wrote.

(1)
There are obviously exceptions. I wonder if this isn't the Tender Mercies of our loving Heavenly Father. For example, given my pattern of attracting experiences/relationships that validate my belief that I am unloved, Rychen is certainly not the husband I "should have" attracted into my life. Up to the point of dating him, I did in fact date some real losers. I was legitimately attracted to men who treated me like garbage. I had two relationships in particular that are just mind-blowing, the way I let myself get manipulated and abused. I was living patterns that would have walked me right into a marriage of domestic abuse.

When I met Rychen, I thought he was a big dork. I wasn't attracted at all to him. He was a boring introvert and he didn't meet hardly any of the criteria on my "list" of what I wanted in a man. (More on that fallacy in my next post!) But he was in my apartment basically ALL. THE. TIME., so conversations ensued. We were both psychology majors and tennis players so we studied and hit some balls. It was around this time that the Lord worked on my heart, showing me what I was actually worth, and the potential I had. Showing me what I could have in my life, if I opened my heart and allowed it. But no, it wasn't a conscious process. I still didn't know the man Rychen really was, and the marriage I would be incredibly lucky enough to step into. (Again, more coming on that in my next post!) There are nuances in our hearts and minds in our relationship with God, and our personal growth, that are so subtle we usually don't even catch them, until one day we find ourselves asking "Why did I do that good thing? That is not something I usually would do...."

Anyhow, the fact that I married into a relationship that is the exact opposite of the one I should have had, tells me it wasn't just chance. It was a deliberate act of God. I will never deny that Rychen is God's gift of love and mercy to me. I am an insecure person who fears criticism but tends to walk into it at every turn (or imagine it--there's that belief system operating again). But Rychen never criticizes me. And I'm not blind to the billions of opportunities he has had, almost on an hourly basis. He never mistreats me in any way, shape, or form. He has been unselfish, compassionate, accepting of my faults and countless quirks. Rychen's love for me is so unconditional, it's impossible for me to comprehend. I don't deserve it, and unfortunately I'm not currently able to reciprocate it. I'm not sure he even knows where he got it from or how he is able to do it. But it's a shining light in my life, a light that gives me a glimpse of God himself.

(2)
I do believe that our beliefs can cause physical illness, but I am not sure if it's what we're "supposed to do" to try to change our beliefs. I'm not sure if that is practical, feasible, realistic or effective at all. This is the part where I need to hear some personal experiences. Yes, I had certain beliefs about childbirth my first time around and I did the work to delete those beliefs and re-program my brain with new beliefs, which was very effective and produced amazing results. But that situation is, in a way, external, or at the very least, superficial. It was solely a worldview, an impression left on my mind from my childhood, but was not ingrained in my heart or soul at all. It wasn't an emotional thing for me. Those are much, much more difficult to get rid of. And frankly, who are we to do that sort of thing? The law of physics says matter can only move from a higher/more organized state, to a lower and less organized state. The fact that any change for the better, or healing, or personal growth is possible at all, is a flat out miracle. Anytime we move from negativity to positive personal growth, we are defying the laws of physics. It is God's work, not ours, although he won't do it against our will. We need to be open to it.

There are plenty of New Age techniques to release false beliefs and negative energy patterns, and I've tried them. I'm not sure what my opinion is. I enjoy visualizing because it gives me a concrete picture of actually destroying something intangible, or handing it to Jesus and letting myself be filled with his light. But as far as affirmations and tapping and all that jazz, I can't say I can give a glowing testimonial. I still do some energy work because it helps mitigate acute stress, but as for the healing of my fallen soul, I have turned my focus more directly to God: to my covenants, my callings, my family, and my study of doctrine. And over time, with my eyes fixated not on the process of healing, but on the Healer himself, changes have indeed taken place. Subtle changes in my heart that I can only see by looking back. Changes in myself that came about not because I worked and worked and worked to fix myself, but because I have learned to let it be...and get busy going about the Lord's work.

"He who seeks to save his life will lose it; but he who loses himself for my sake shall find it." (Matt 16:25)

This scripture is hugely profound. And I am still pondering and seeking to apply it--because obviously I still think about myself a lot. I am not yet a master. But this is something I can testify of: That we can NOT fix ourselves. No learned technique of man, no technology, no invention by the arm of the flesh is going to make us a better person or free us from this mortal existence. And the more we focus on the problem, the bigger it's going to get.

But if we instead let our problems sit, but go about the Lord's work, joy will come into our hearts. And our hearts will be changed. If you submit to what the Lord asks of you, you will find yourself serving people you would have rather avoided, praying for people you would have rather held resentments against, giving to others tirelessly when you really wanted to have a fit of your own, and actually praising God with gratitude in the moments you ought to be deeply remorseful. God has a funny was of working quiet miracles within us, miracles we don't always recognize at first. I know healing is possible, for I have been healed. And yet I can't quite put my finger on what I personally did to make that happen. :)