Since I have been weaker these past few days I have been inside the house more, and so less active, more emotional, and more introspective.
Today I took Rychen P. to play tennis. Afterward I found myself laying on the court, in the sun, watching leaves fall from the trees. I had been in a bummer mood, so the leaves taught me something. I want to be like that tree, and just shed my layers, or everything about me that I don't want to keep. I want to get rid of it all, be bare for a time, and then grow some new, fresh, better traits.
I read an article that made me feel so meloncholy. Why? I didn't know. I was engrossed in this interview with a raw athlete, she is so awesome! But all while reading it, I was frantically chewing and chewing away at my nails. Something about this was really bothering me. After some reflection, I decided what it was. She was such a spiritual person, so at-peace, forgiving, accepting. I know I can be that person but I have not been living up to my potential.
My friend was telling me about a class she is taking about overcoming our self-defeating behaviors. It made me realize how FULL I am of self-defeating behaviors. Mostly the thoughts I think, which in turn lead to the mood I am in and how I treat other people. I can be a very energetic, positive person...as long as things are going well for me. But throw me a hurdle, and I fall all over myself. I don't handle challenges well. It doesn't take much to give me anxiety, get me complaining, get me blaming... Always complaining about the deck of cards I have, wishing I had it better.
I am gradually improving. Yes I must be kind to myself and say this. Especially this summer I've made some great progress, as far as exercising, and other routine things. I would say I am a happier person than I was a couple years ago. I appreciate people more now, I can't say there is anybody I dislike. When I was pregnant with Elisabeth and all those emotions were on the surface, it was so easy to do journaling and other therapeutic things that really made me feel like I was growing and changing into a better person. So I guess that's what I lack lately - growth. I see myself still getting irritable, still avoiding things, still blaming, instead of being a go-getter! Instead of being that positive, pro-active person I know I can be.
I have focused a lot on physical goals (diet, exercise, preschool with Rychen) and that is great of course. But I've totally neglected my spiritual goals. Still struggling with basic scriptures and prayers. Why do I get so busy, so distracted? Or do I just find excuses in some sub-conscious attempt to avoid God?
It's autumn now. I gotta shed my leaves.
1 comment:
I like your analogy of "shedding your leaves". I deal with much of the same things you mentioned.
There is a book we own called "Don't Sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff". I haven't read all of it yet, but it is very good. I'll have to let you borrow it sometime.
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