"Where do you stay?"

How many of us take for granted the nice, comfortable homes we live in? And not just the homes, but the people residing therein, who love us day in and day out?

 

I was recently reminded of a friend in high school who, instead of asking where someone lived, would ask "Where do you stay?" It didn't strike me as odd at the time; I just figured he used different jargon from being raised somewhere else. But as an adult, knowing how homes aren't something nature provides (and shouldn't be something the government provides...), and knowing how homes can oftentimes be in flux, I have a matured understanding and a real appreciation for this phrase-ology. This particular friend was "staying" with his aunt at the time, who hardly kept any tabs on him at all, and had no time to invest in finding out where he went after school or whom he was hanging out with.

 

Rychen and I read Michael Oher's book I Beat the Odds and it just really opens your eyes to the situations of families in poverty, foster care, etc. It's just a "whole nuther" world out there. If you are reading this, and your home tonight is a stable, secure one in which you will mostly likely stay until you voluntarily leave, Count your blessings!! And we are so blessed to have families who keep track of us, monitor our social activities, and make us come home at curfew. I hope you know how lucky you are. :)

Friday School Co-op

We belong to a co-op with other homeschoolers where we meet for structured school once a week. I feel strange calling it a homeschool co-op because it is not homeschool at all; it is just people who homeschool Monday through Thursday getting together for a privately-organized school group on Fridays. So since it is not homeschool, there are pros and cons. I guess it's a nice balance to get the advantages of homeschool and then some advantages of a group setting thrown in there too. The women I work with in the preschool class are way nice, friendly, caring women. It's refreshing to be around them.

 

Unfortunately, it can get to be a long day for Elisabeth (it is the length of a typical school day) and for a pregnant mama too, who just wants to go hide somewhere to lie down! We have been taking advantage of the flexibility and leaving at lunch-time when we need to; but Rychen is involved in a drama class that meets at the end of the day so he usually has to go back. After the play is over with soon, we will probably just go 8:45 - 12:30.

 

Besides drama, Rychen is doing Ancient History from The Story of the World; Life Science; Geography; and Art. (He is a pretty academically talented kid so its a little amusing to see him as the underdog in art class!!) Since I am not in his class most of the time, I don't actually know much about what he is learning--and to be honest that is one of the disadvantages of school, for me. The other disadvantages are wasted time due to lots of kids; less flexibility with schedules (for instance if you need a snack when it's not snack time, etc.); and just generally doing things other people's way, without having a say in my child's educational experience (for instance--and this is really stupid, I admit--his Geography teacher is having them learn a 5th ocean, the "Antarctic Ocean," which frankly did not exist when I was in school. I promise I do have some more substantial examples too).

 

I have been spending my time mostly with the preschool group and then in Rychen's Geography class if we stay after lunch. Geography is his favorite subject so we have already been doing a lot of it at home anyway, and I really love this classical model of learning maps. We practice maps at home every day!

 

Right now I am leading a fund-raiser for the group which is my first responsibility. I have to admit, I feel bored and useless when not put in charge of something. I was let down that they didn't ask me to teach, but on the other hand it is probably a good thing considering how stressed out I have been!

 

Elisabeth has been doing the usual preschool stuff. She is still one of the younger ones and doesn't always participate, and can't yet socialize with the others. Especially after a couple hours, she tends to become bored and just wanting to be with me. I'm not going to pretend to be excited about being in the preschool class, sorry. I am just not a perky singing, rhyming, crafting preschool kind of mom. (I think I would be much better suited for the teenagers!)

 

Anyway we wanted to try this out, to get more involved with other families and make friends. I do really appreciate that it's a family affair with parents present and good Christian values. It's an interesting experiment (and I do wonder what the leaders actually think of it now, seeing that they have put way more effort into the organization than they expected!) and we'll see if we keep it up.

...the rest of the story

I feel like I owe a more rational and honest explanation of how I am doing, now that I am level-headed and that really bad day passed. So here is how I am doing.

• I am really busy. I am always busy and yes, I thrive on it. I love having projects, being in charge of stuff, setting goals, etc. But it's just difficult during pregnancy - and it's difficult for a Type-A personality to accept and to learn that they need breaks and time to rest.
• I start out each day feeling pretty good, and I get a lot done in the morningtime. But by afternoon I am usually exhausted and crabby. I am learning to take rest breaks before I think I need it, and it helps prevent the exhaustion.
• I have a lot of bad days but plenty of good days too. It seems to rely a lot on how my back is feeling and how stressed I am (like how grouchy the kids are, how much work I have that day, etc.)
• My back is usually stiff, and if I continue to work without resting it becomes very painful. I feel better when I go for a walk or do yoga so I am trying to do one of those daily. I don't really do other exercise anymore since it affects my energy level now.
• Rychen is very sympathetic and supportive; he does anything I ask him to do. But still, it's hard to ask someone for favors when you can see how tired they are too. I try to do as much as I can myself but I am learning to delegate more and let some things be. And besides, sometimes you just need a woman!!
• Last week was a particularly horrible, awful week with the kids (okay the smaller one) and way too much housework. It was hard on both of us, and nobody slept well. We are still recovering!
• I do continually feel lonely and not cared for, but that is just my pessimistic personality. I have always felt this way. I am learning to improve my attitude.
• ...But I still feel like a child in an adult's body, and I don't like the isolated, cold adult world! I am a sensitive person and also very open. I love sharing life with other people. 
• It is really hard on me not to have family close by. I am not a big phone talker, and so usually we don't have the best contact with my family. And somehow, no matter when friends you make once you're a grown-up, nothing ever compares to your girlfriends from high school who really know who you really are. But they are far away and we never talk anymore!
• When I have a bad day, my outlook on everything is trashed. So yeah I am going to sound pretty pathetic.

I am thankful for some family members and friends who reached out to me after I posted that. I learned that I need to make phone calls and get things off my chest sooner, before it drives me crazy. I can still have nurturing relationships but I need to make those phone calls; and just because people aren't initiating it either doesn't mean they don't love me.

The past few weeks have been really difficult and I am so emotional, I am losing my rationality. For instance, I'm not rational enough to think through how to ask for help, or to what degree I am justified in asking for help, or if my feelings make enough sense to ask for help, or if I am just weak and giving into too much self-pity, or maybe I deserve be miserable, maybe I brought it upon myself.   Or maybe I am crazy and there are just no grounds to be miserable on; I know I have things easier than lots of people I know. Perhaps that is why I don't feel justified in sharing my feelings or asking for help. I think I am too insecure that I will be judged for these things, if I don't deserve sympathy.

 

I have felt the grim reality of being an adult and being supposed to take care of everything with a happy face without sharing our feelings and needs with others. I don't necessarily like that aspect of American culture--I really wish we could be there for each other more--but that's the facts, just the same. When you are a teenager, people at church show concern for you and always ask how you're doing. Then you turn a new age, or you get married or something, and suddenly nobody cares anymore.

 

Recently I suddenly became "pregnant." I admit, I had a fairly easy first and second trimester, and I kept up all my usual activities with some additional, yet manageable, downtime/extra sleep time. But then suddenly I hit third trimester and pretty much just got hit by a bus. I don't have anywhere close to the energy I need; I am never comfortable--my back hurts all the time; and I never get a good nights sleep.

 

This last one, especially lately - Elisabeth has been having various issues through the night, from throwing up to diarrhea, to just plain clingy and laying all over me. During the daytime she is a whiny, crying, yelling, hitting terror. It's such a headache and I just can't get things done while this is going on. She makes it very difficult to do school with Rychen, either physically or just when it comes to focusing on a task. The only option with her is to turn on the TV; it's either that or listen to my kids yelling and hitting each other.

 

Even as I write this I am hesitant to post it. I feel like people will judge me and say I brought this upon myself, I should put my kids in school or make them cry it out in their own room, etc. And sure, I will concede that I would have less responsibility if I put my kids in school; but I would also have less joy and fulfillments. That whole law of opposition with get you every time. I am having a lot of challenges but not enough to give up on my convictions.

 

I am serving as the primary pianist and the next two weeks just can't pass quickly enough. I need to get this primary program over with and find some relief in my calling, it's just so stressful mentally to be expected to do something I am incapable of; and playing the piano (especially sitting at a bench for 90 minutes at a time) is just too much for me to handle. But then again... am I just being a baby?

 

Besides kids, homeschooling, and church, I also have a stressful job at home, which I did not realize was stressful until I became pregnant and suddenly realized the physical work entailed in packing and lifting for hours at a time. As luck would have it, the busy holiday season has coincided with my third trimester. This is one thing nobody can do to help me with, and I am not willing to give it up... so yes I brought it on myself and yes I will keep suffering.

 

Back to that whole being-an-adult thing... I don't even know what's appropriate for me to share with my husband and what I need to be "strong" and keep to myself. It really gets old being weak and leaning on somebody. And oh yeah, there's that issue of time; we hardly get enough time to discuss our schedule, let alone my pregnant overly-emotional feelings. And when I have an opinion about something he is doing, to what degree do I express that, or should I tell myself to shut up and bear my own burden?

 

This is a strange post to write, anyway. I am NOT the type to keep my feelings to myself; I usually say too much and wear my heart on my sleeve. But when it comes to personal feelings of insecurity, or not being to handle my own life, I guess I don't ever really open up unless I feel safe and cared for.....and I just don't have a relationship like that. Not that I blame anyone, that really is a lot to expect from a person. We are all struggling with our own hardships, right? And it doesn't help that this society isolates us so we experience our struggles alone (so nobody is aware) or that the latest fad is venting on facebook where its tough to judge how serious a person is and what they need in response.

 

Gosh, adult life is complicated.

Not for the faint hearted

3-1/2 years ago we were complaining about our almost-3-year-old son refusing to go on the potty. I have a journal entry full of scribbles and curse words because on this given day, I was just so upset with him. We had Rychen's mom come over and sit with him on the potty (because I was too stubborn to let him get up) while we escaped to go have a good cry in the park.

 

......Oh boy we had it easy. Little did we know, that was potty training minor leagues.

 

We made deal after deal which never worked out. Finally we said "You may continue wearing diapers for a couple more months but when you turn 3, No more diapers," and he said OK.  The day before his third birthday, he woke up and said "Grandma said it's OK to go potty before I am 3." So he went potty and never wore a single diaper again. Poop, nighttimes, public places--all in one shot!

 

I've heard moms say a lot how otherwise potty-trained kids are scared to poo in the potty, but I never understood that .. until now.

 

Now we have a 38 month old who has been keeping her underwear dry for months. She does nighttimes alright but we actually gave up on that because I didn't like to clean up the messes... ha, ha.

 

This girl WILL NOT go poop on the potty. If you don't put a diaper on her, she will hold it in for days. Recently we found out the effects of holding it in, as I was becoming more stubborn and experimenting with not putting diapers on at all... Well it ain't pretty. Let's just say when a kid has been holding it in, the diaper becomes utterly useless and you still have a mess to clean up.

 

Finally somebody told me, let THEM clean the mess up and realize exactly what they are doing. Let them see all the consequences. So today when I had a mess of poop on the carpet, I let the emotions flow and sat there crying. I told Elisabeth my back hurts, I haven't gotten any sleep, and the last thing I need right now is green goop stuck in my carpet. I put her in the bathtub, leaky diaper and all, and said "Take off your diaper and wash off your legs" then went to work on the carpet.

 

20 minutes later she was still standing in the bathtub with poop dripping down her legs. I wanted to make sure she experienced the nastiness in full glory. When I came back, she told me "I don't like to poop." (Which I already knew, but isn't it time to realize that holding it in until you have 2 diapers worth is not a great way to deal?) And we had a good talk about how yucky and messy poop is, but how easy and clean it can be on the toilet. I asked her what she's going to do next time, and she said "Put it in the potty and just flush so its not a big mess."

 

... I am just really hoping that talk was effective. My washing machine is about to break.

The Blessings of Childbearing

I have been complaining a lot about this pregnancy and not enjoying it for what it is. Today I was laying down I was pondering babyhood, thinking about that soft silky wrinkly skin, teeny fingers and toes, engaging eye contact and smile. Even as babies turn into toddlers, how precious and priceless are their squeaky voices trying to pronounce new words, giggling at anything I do, running in a funny way. When toddlers turn into preschoolers and beyond, how wonderful it is to see them learning new things; how sweet their endless questions are, to see their minds developing and taking in the world!

 

Children are such a blessing! Who am I to complain so much just because there is a small price to pay? I felt rebuked. I am so sorry for being pessimistic and selfish, focusing on the things I will have to give up. How dang lucky I am to be able to experience pregnancy and birth my own children, sweet angels who look and act just like myself. And if that takes a few months of discomfort and giving up a few insignificant things, what a small price to pay for such an amazing blessing to my life. And if "bearing children in sorrow" (headache and heartache) means I get the chance to know right from wrong, experience earthly life and have a physical body ... then how wonderful is that! I really have nothing to complain about.

Haircut on Hormones

It's come to my attention that you cannot get your usual haircut when you're pregnant, and expect it to turn out the same way.

Everytime I get my haircut, I give them this picture and get this cut. It always looks something like this.

But this time, when I gave this picture and repeatedly asked for it to be thinned more, I still ended up with this big bush. My hair wouldn't even stay straight as she was cutting it. It was a whole new experience for me, I really thought she had magic scissors or something, or she was just doing it ALL WRONG because every other time it always goes right. But this time it went completely wrong! She kept telling me how great my hair is, so I conceded with "I guess I better learn to appreciate this and find some new ways to wear my hair."

Picking at our wounds

I read this blog post which really spoke to me... I like this first paragraph, it's a great analogy. I have always been a physical wound picker so I can totally relate. I really think I pick at spiritual wounds too, not allowing them to heal. Today I had a self-pity day, which I have from time to time, and I am always upset over the same exact stuff... almost as if I am re-opening the same wound repeatedly, just so I have something to complain about, but never allowing Christ to come into my heart and heal it for good. I need to ponder on this some more and be brave enough to step past it and stop picking.